Latest posts
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Trump’s War on the Press: Now With 97% More Whining
America, pull up a chair, because the President has once again declared war on the one enemy that never invaded him, never stormed his casinos, and never ghosted him on Tinder: the press. Yes, the man who built his political career by calling CNN “fake news” has decided the time has come to escalate from
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Trump Declares War on Anti-Fascism: Guess Which Side That Puts Him On
The Big Announcement Donald Trump took to Truth Social and, in his usual slurry of caps lock and grievance, announced he would designate Antifa as a “major terrorist organization.” He tied it to the assassination of Charlie Kirk, because everything in MAGA world must be shoehorned into a neat morality play. And what better villain
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Republicans Canceled Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert Because Free Speech Is Only for Them
The Blood in the Water Let’s get this out of the way: Jimmy Kimmel is off the air. Pulled by ABC. Indefinite hiatus. No return date. Disney—the big corporate mouse with the oversized ears and the even bigger fear of FCC regulatory hellfire—yanked “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” because he made jokes about Charlie Kirk after Kirk
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Shutdown Theater: Now With More Subsidies and Security Funds!
Welcome back to Washington, America’s longest-running soap opera, where every September the same plotline airs: Will the government shut down? Will Speaker [insert name here, they rotate faster than NFL quarterbacks] hold the caucus together? Will Chuck Schumer furrow his brows meaningfully? And will anyone, at any point, think about the millions of actual humans
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The Party of Free Speech Wants a Muzzle—As Long as It’s for You
Ah, yes. The brave defenders of free speech. The warriors against cancel culture. The self-styled martyrs of the “say what you want, snowflake” movement. They’ve spent years assuring us that America needs to be a safe space—for their offensive jokes, for their racist uncle’s Facebook rants, for their senator’s homophobic tweets typed at 3 a.m.
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COTALAND: Austin’s Roller Coaster to Nowhere (Yet)
A Park Delayed, but Dreams are Never Late The theme park industrial complex has a formula: announce early, overpromise wildly, and then pray nobody notices when the opening date slides into the next election cycle. COTALAND, Austin’s would-be roller coaster Mecca, is now on that exact track—ironically the only track they’ve managed to finish on
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The Eternal Gravity of Shit: Why Hierarchy Is Humanity’s Favorite Hobby
We like to tell ourselves that human beings are noble, empathetic creatures. We write novels about kindness, sing songs about love, build religions around compassion. But spend thirty seconds in line at Starbucks or thirty minutes Doordashing lukewarm Chipotle to someone in yoga pants, and the truth hits you in the face like a soggy
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The Blessing and Curse of Yelp Health Scores
There are few things more American than combining capitalism, technology, and shame. Enter Yelp health scores: the best invention in modern dining, and also the absolute worst. It’s the digital equivalent of peeking behind the kitchen door and realizing that your artisanal avocado toast was prepared six inches away from a cockroach the size of
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When in Doubt, Blame the Gays: How the Right Turned Charlie Kirk’s Murder Into Queer Scapegoating
The Rumor Factory at Full Tilt Tyler Robinson was arrested on September 12 for the killing of Charlie Kirk after a 33-hour manhunt that involved helicopters, interstate checkpoints, and ultimately his own family pointing investigators in the right direction. A bolt-action rifle was recovered. Ballistics confirmed it was fired from roughly 200 yards. Authorities charged
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Trump’s Traveling Roadshow of Troops: Now Appearing in Memphis
Donald Trump has always treated the presidency like a touring act—part reality show, part casino floor, part authoritarian cosplay. And on September 12, 2025, he added a new stop on the circuit: Memphis. The big announcement? He’s deploying the National Guard to patrol its streets. Not because Memphis asked for it, not because crime is