Latest posts
-
I’m Skeptical of Anyone Who Tells Me Not to Take Candy from Strangers, Then Takes Me Trick or Treating
Trust issues don’t start in adulthood. They start when your mom tells you never to talk to strangers, then zips you into a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur suit and sends you door to door demanding chocolate from people you’ve never met, some of whom are literally wearing masks. “Don’t accept candy from strangers” she says on Tuesday.
-
The Silent War: My Battle Against Unsolicited Advice (and How I Mostly Lose)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re the kind of person who starts sentences with “You know what you should do?” — please know I’m already plotting my escape. Politely. Silently. With a smile so tight it could slice through granite. Unsolicited advice is the glitter of social interaction. It shows
-
Bill Clinton endorses Andrew Cuomo by saying “You. You get me,” and it’s as awkward as it sounds.
Bill Clinton Looked at Andrew Cuomo and Said, “You. You Get Me.” Somewhere between sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and scrolling the headlines, I stumbled across it: Bill Clinton has officially endorsed Andrew Cuomo for mayor of New York City. At first, I laughed, assuming it was a parody post — like The Onion had merged
-
If Jesus Came Back Today, He’d Vote Blue: A Sunday Sermon for the Politically Constipated
It’s Sunday morning, and while the evangelical right is hungover from a Saturday night of God-fearing debauchery—tequila, Tinder, and casual racism—I’m sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and writing a little sermon of my own. Not from a pulpit, but from a keyboard that doesn’t judge me for being gay, liberal, or three Reese’s deep before noon.
-
To the Middle East, with Bombs: As Iran Burns, Trump’s Cabinet and Republican Congress Prepare Us for World War III with Vibes and Vague Resumes
As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a
-
America’s Next Top Solution: How Reality Shows Could Fix Society’s Problems
Imagine a world where Congress is replaced by contestants in sequins, Supreme Court rulings come down to who gets the final rose, and infrastructure funding is determined by who can survive the most eliminations on a beach with zero electricity and twelve influencers. If this sounds absurd, ask yourself: is it really any worse than
-
Medicaid and Social Security Replaced with Thoughts and Prayers (and Other Promises from the Apocalypse)
Welcome to the future: where the oceans have risen, the temperature is lava-adjacent, and America’s retirement plan is a half-used candle from Hobby Lobby labeled “HOPE.” In this brave new world, Medicaid and Social Security have officially been replaced with a federal program called Thoughts and Prayers, which is just a pop-up window that plays
-
Trump Might Start World War III, But Imagine the Horror of Kamala Harris and Her Free Healthcare Agenda
So, Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office, tan lines deepening, hair defying physics, and nuclear codes resting comfortably next to his Diet Coke button. The man is currently eyeballing Iran like it’s a golf course he can bulldoze, muttering things like “We’re gonna do something big, folks. Huge. Maybe even explosive.” And while
-
The Unofficial Rules of the Gym (According to Someone Who Doesn’t Go)
I want to be clear up front: I do not frequent the gym. I don’t even infrequent the gym. If the gym were a person, we’d be the kind of estranged acquaintances who wave awkwardly across a crowded room and then both pretend to take a phone call. I have nothing against exercise—I just prefer
-
The Unseen Side of the South: What My Road Trips Reveal Beyond the Postcards
When people think of the American South, a particular image springs to mind: magnolia trees, sweet tea, wraparound porches, maybe a fiddle in the background and someone with a syrupy drawl offering you a “bless your heart.” And while those postcards aren’t exactly wrong—hell, I’ve sipped a sweet tea on a wraparound porch in Georgia