Latest posts
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Welcome to the Circus: A Love Letter to the American Experience (Now with Extra Fees!)
Being an American means never having to say, “This makes sense.” It’s waking up every day in a nation so committed to being “exceptional” that we’ve proudly invented our own measurement system, health care roulette, and the concept of a “patriotic brand of bottled water.” Let’s take a moment to appreciate the uniquely unhinged bingo
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20 Reasons I Absolutely Adore Fighting Throat Cancer Alone on Oral Chemo
(Spoiler: I do not.) Ah yes, oral chemo and throat cancer: a dynamic duo so fun, I can barely contain my joy between dry heaves. If you’ve never tried it, you’re seriously missing out. Here are my top 20 reasons why this experience is everything I dreamed of—and less. 1. Nausea as a LifestyleI love
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Weather Warnings Were Budget Cuts in Disguise
In a shocking twist that surprises absolutely no one who’s been awake for the last year, the same administration that promised to “streamline government” has now successfully streamlined people right into floodwaters. That’s right: the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—Trump’s golden retriever of a bureaucracy—slashed funding to NOAA and the National Weather Service (NWS), and
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Trump’s Week: Cologne, Cutbacks, and Cold Cheeseburgers—An American Saga
In a political climate already resembling a fever dream wrapped in a flag, Donald Trump managed to cram a full season’s worth of headlines into a single week. If you blinked, you might’ve missed something truly presidential—like fragrance drops or threats of billionaire deportation. Here’s a breakdown of the chaos: 📱 Trump vs. AT&T: A
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Ohhhh SNAP benefits: Americans Outraged That Poor People Still Eating
In today’s episode of The War on Grocery Carts, social media is ablaze over footage of a mother using SNAP benefits to buy food at Costco, Walmart, and Target—you know, those fringe, elitist marketplaces where people go when they want 80 rolls of toilet paper and a sense of shame. The outrage stems from the
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100 Times I Didn’t Flinch: My Book Quote Collection
From Small Town Gayby “If God made me, then either He’s not angry—or He’s not very good at His job.” “I was born with a bruise on my soul and a glitter bomb in my ribcage.” “Coming out didn’t feel brave. It felt like bleeding in front of people who cheered the wound.” “I didn’t…
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I’m Not Lovin’ It: Why McDonald’s Is Cancelled. Would You Like Fries With That?
At long last, America is doing what nutritionists, cardiologists, and the ghost of Julia Child have been begging us to do for decades: we’re boycotting McDonald’s. Not for the usual reasons—arterial cement shakes, meat that’s one existential crisis away from sentience, or fries that stay intact longer than most celebrity marriages—but because… freedom. Or wages.
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The Rainbow Delusion: Why Queer Representation Clearly Needs a Little Less Glitter and a Lot More Gaslighting
Representation matters. Or so we’ve been told—usually by someone holding a Diversity & Inclusion pamphlet in one hand and a pitchfork full of budget cuts in the other. But nothing says progress like a major studio loudly patting itself on the back for including a gay character that blinks ambiguously in the background of a
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Zohran Mamdani Defeats Cuomo in NYC Mayoral Primary, Causing White Moderates to Spontaneously Combust Near Whole Foods
The Rent Is Still Too Damn High, But Now It’s Multilingual NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning upset that left political analysts, real estate developers, and several Upper West Side yoga instructors sobbing into their oat milk cortados, Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist with an actual spine, has won the Democratic primary for mayor
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Trickle-Down Yacht Club: Jeff Bezos Built a Superyacht Out of Your Food Stamps
Oh, America. Land of the free, home of the grossly overworked Amazon associate who just peed in a bottle so Jeff Bezos can afford to put marble countertops in his second yacht. Not the yacht—the yacht’s yacht. A little backup boat, like a bougie sidecar for when your primary vessel is too emotionally burdened by