Latest posts
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The Rainbow Delusion: Why Queer Representation Clearly Needs a Little Less Glitter and a Lot More Gaslighting
Representation matters. Or so we’ve been told—usually by someone holding a Diversity & Inclusion pamphlet in one hand and a pitchfork full of budget cuts in the other. But nothing says progress like a major studio loudly patting itself on the back for including a gay character that blinks ambiguously in the background of a
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Pray the Gay Away: A Conversion Therapy Survival Guide (Now With 60% More Trauma and Zero Science)
Welcome to Conversion Therapy™—the only place where Jesus moonlights as a licensed therapist and heterosexuality is somehow contagious if you cry hard enough. Buckle up, buttercup. It’s time for a full-bodied, unlicensed, medically discredited journey through the spiritual carwash known as “turning you straight.” Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. Unless the goal is PTSD, self-loathing,
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SpaceX and the City: Elon’s Galactic Baby Mamas
Welcome to “SpaceX & the City,” the only show where the launchpad is your loins and the paternity test is pending. Today’s episode? A whirlwind romp through the Musk-iverse—a place where kids are named after Wi-Fi passwords and co-parenting involves occasional Twitter likes. Let’s meet the brave women who made the bold decision to bear
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Ken Mehlman Comes Out—Just a Few Million Hate Crimes Too Late
In today’s episode of The Gays Can Forgive, But We’re Gonna Roast You First, let’s talk about Ken Mehlman: former Bush campaign manager, architect of the 2004 “Ban the Gays” electoral strategy, and current reformed homosexual with a PR-approved redemption arc. Because nothing screams “personal growth” quite like helping destroy millions of lives before quietly
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Top 10 “Top 10” Lists That Prove Journalism Has Flatlined
There was a time—not that long ago—when journalism meant something. People risked their lives reporting from war zones, uncovering corruption, and writing scathing exposés that brought entire institutions to their knees. Now? Now we’ve got 27 interns fighting over who gets to write “14 Times a Celebrity Sneezed and It Changed Our Lives” for pageviews.
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Why Reese’s Are the Only Friends I Need
A Treatise on Loyalty, Trauma, and Peanut Butter Cups Let me just say it plainly: I don’t need friends. I have Reese’s. And unlike the majority of humans I’ve let into my life, Reese’s have never borrowed my charger, trauma-dumped in my DMs without asking, or “forgotten” to Venmo me after splitting a check. Reese’s
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Confessions from a Needy Son of a Bitch
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Constant Need for Reassurance Hi, I’m the human equivalent of a pop-up ad asking, “Are you mad at me?”—and I’m here to tell you what it’s like to live life as a high-functioning emotional warranty department. I require attention like plants need sunlight, like influencers need
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The New York Time’s Top 100 Movies of the 21st Century — A Love Letter to Films You Pretended to Understand
Top 30 films you’re supposed to pretend you’ve watched twice Gather around, cine-snobs and weekend warriors alike. The New York Times has once again handed us their curated list of the “100 Best Movies of the 21st Century,” as ranked by 500 industry insiders. In a world where joy equates to a cat video getting
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I’m Writing a Book (Because Apparently I Hate Myself)
By someone who still thinks grammar matters It’s happening. I’m writing a book. A full-length, printed-on-dead-trees, hold-it-in-your-hands-like-it’s-the-early-2000s book. Because apparently I have a masochistic streak and a deep-seated desire to be wildly underappreciated in the age of microcontent and microwave attention spans. Let’s start with the obvious: No one reads anymore. And I don’t mean
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Things You Should Never Talk About (So Naturally, I Talk About Them Constantly)
There are rules, you know. Social rules. Unspoken guidelines passed down through generations of repressed puritans and HR departments that dictate what should never, under any circumstances, be uttered in polite company. Naturally, these are my favorite topics. Take money, for instance. People say, “Don’t ask what someone makes. Don’t discuss debt. Don’t mention how