Latest posts
-
BREAKING: Trump Takes Over DC Police in “Law & Order” Miracle — Deploys National Guard for Public Theater
WASHINGTON —History books have a habit of glossing over the quieter coups. The ones without tanks rolling through the streets, without generals at microphones, without gunfire. The coups that happen under the cover of “public safety,” with a smile, a signature, and a TV camera. This week, Donald Trump proved that you can drape a
-
When You Tell Me Restaurants Are Under Threat, I Say: “No Sh*t, They Literally Are”
Restaurants are collapsing like dominoes in a windstorm, but apparently CNN still felt the need to headline it: “Restaurants Are Under Threat as Costs Skyrocket and Consumers Cut Back.” If you read that and thought, Oh, really? Food costs are eating the industry alive, who could’ve guessed?—you’re both correct and complicit in the slowdown of
-
When Numbers Lie and the Economy is “Perfect” (According to the Man Who Invented Truth)
It’s another day in America, and the President has once again reminded us that numbers are not to be trusted. Not his numbers, of course—those are gold-plated, patriotic, and possibly blessed by the ghost of Reagan—but other people’s numbers. Specifically, the ones from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that dared to suggest inflation is rising
-
The Smart City Illusion: Where Your Trash Can Knows More About You Than Your Therapist
Let’s begin with a simple question: when did we decide that cities needed to be “smart”? Was there a moment—perhaps around 2015—when an exhausted urban planner looked at a pothole, a packed bus, and a man peeing into a parking meter and thought, If only this place had WiFi and LED lighting, everything would be
-
RFK Jr. Just Cut $500 Million in mRNA Vaccine Contracts. Because Science Is a Vibe Now.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced plans to cut $500 million in mRNA vaccine contracts, showcasing a shift towards skepticism and populism over scientific progress. His actions signify a broader trend of undermining public health infrastructure, promoting conspiracy, and cultivating distrust in science, potentially jeopardizing future disease response and preventive measures.
-
Lines in the Sand: How Redistricting Became the Supreme Court’s Favorite Shape-Shiting Weapon
It’s once again that magical time in America when maps are less about geography and more about strategy—where lines aren’t drawn by cartographers but by career politicians with a vengeance kink. This month, the Supreme Court decided to up the ante in Louisiana’s redistricting case, because apparently we haven’t suffered enough slow-moving constitutional erosion for
-
You’re Fired: Trump Finds the Real Culprit Behind America’s Job Woes (Hint: It’s Not Capitalism)
In a surprising twist that shocked absolutely no one, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken bold, decisive, and entirely unhinged action against the greatest threat to American prosperity: math. Specifically, the kind of math that results in job reports that make him look bad. Following a “disappointing” economic update, which revealed that
-
Earthquake, Tsunamis, Mega-Destruction—But Top 5 on X? Here’s Your Frontier News Feed Instead
So a massive earthquake just rattled half the globe, triggered tsunami alerts coast to coast, and… your X timeline is still recommending “10 low-calorie snacks to curb your midnight cravings” and that viral meme about a waiter recalling your order unironically. Congratulations, Elon Musk’s algorithm didn’t even blink. The top 5 stories on the platform?
-
Business as Usual: A Two-Shooter Monday in the Land of the Free
There’s a uniquely American efficiency to how we process mass shootings. As if the country were run by a bureaucratic vending machine that now just spits out blood instead of soda. Insert thoughts. Receive prayers. Try again tomorrow. Today’s patriotic performance art featured not one but two active shooter incidents. First, the Grand Sierra Resort
-
Holy Paperclips, Luxury Jets, and Surprise Deadlines: Inside the Trump Administration’s Month of Multitasking
In a dizzying flurry of executive motion and moral multitasking, President Donald J. Trump has once again reminded us that governing is not about consistency, coherence, or consequences—it’s about volume. And the 2025 Trump administration has been operating at maximum decibel. From peace ultimatums issued like fast food orders to religious paperweights, Hurricane Helene bailouts,