Latest posts
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The Naked Gun Premiere Stuns Nation: Critics Describe Experience as ‘Emotionally Immature,’ ‘Deeply Healing,’ and ‘Unfit for the Literate’
It was a night to remember—if, that is, your brain had been recently concussed by a whiffle bat and lubricated with the comedic sophistication of a whoopee cushion. The red carpet was laid, the stars were out, and the nation’s dignity was carefully packed into a burlap sack and hurled down a fire escape. Yes,
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“Oops! All Felons”: New Orleans Accidentally Launches a Surprise Guest Star Into the Wild
The city of New Orleans—where beads fly, potholes breed, and municipal systems run on gumbo and guesswork—has delivered its latest trick: releasing an inmate due to a “clerical error.” A phrase that, in theory, should mean someone got the date wrong on a form—not that a man accused of attempted murder now has a head
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Holy Paperclips, Luxury Jets, and Surprise Deadlines: Inside the Trump Administration’s Month of Multitasking
In a dizzying flurry of executive motion and moral multitasking, President Donald J. Trump has once again reminded us that governing is not about consistency, coherence, or consequences—it’s about volume. And the 2025 Trump administration has been operating at maximum decibel. From peace ultimatums issued like fast food orders to religious paperweights, Hurricane Helene bailouts,
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Lone Star, Shady Lines: Texas GOP Dusts Off Crayons for Another Round of “Find the Democrat and Move Him”
If you thought gerrymandering was a once-per-decade tradition—like the census or Taylor Swift re-recordings—think again. Texas Republicans, fueled by barbecue, brazen ambition, and a deep-seated allergy to representative democracy, have decided to crack open the redistricting map early, because why wait for 2030 when you can tilt the scales right now? Welcome to mid-decade redistricting,
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Murder, He Mumbled: Bryan Kohberger Gets Life Without Parole While America Gets Another True Crime Spectacle
Well, justice has been served—lukewarm, over-syndicated, and with a familiar aftertaste of televised grief. Bryan Kohberger, the man who believed criminology was a personality type, has officially been sentenced to life without parole for the brutal murders of four Idaho college students. And somewhere in America, a Netflix producer just got a second wind. The
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Opera, Trade, and Deportation Roulette: A Week in the Trump Administration That Somehow All Makes Sense
It’s hard to say what week we’re in—politically, cosmically, or narratively—but it’s clear the Trump administration is back on its greatest-hits tour. Only this time, the album’s scratched, the vocals are louder, and the backup dancers are Congressional interns filing ethics waivers. In just a few days, we’ve seen an opera house rebranded like a
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Venus Rises: At 45, Williams Wins and the Tennis World Files for AARP
In a move that sent shockwaves through sports media and orthopedic surgeons alike, Venus Williams has won a WTA match at the age of 45—because apparently time is a construct, and knees are optional. Yes, while most of us are googling “how to get up without making a noise,” Venus is out here reminding the
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Trump Shares AI Mugshots of Obama After Declassified Docs Drop, Nation Wonders If Reality Has Been PARDONED
This week, reality got redacted, deepfaked, and re-released as a partisan reboot. Newly declassified documents—courtesy of Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, who has apparently pivoted from anti-war progressive to cosplay intelligence officer—suggest that elements of the Obama administration allegedly ‘manufactured’ intelligence to justify the Trump-Russia probe in 2016. The documents are already being hailed
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National Ice Cream Day: Because Nothing Says “Everything’s Fine” Like Dairy-Based Delusion
In the blistering heat of late-stage capitalism, where your rent costs more than your monthly trauma therapy and the planet’s basically one smoldering cone away from collapse, there comes a day so sweet, so saccharine, so unironically American that even the most disillusioned among us can’t help but say: “Fine. I’ll lick it.” Yes, darling—July
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Budget Cuts and Band-Aids: How to Save America by Abandoning Everyone Else
In a bold display of cost-cutting patriotism, the Senate has advanced President Trump’s request to trim a casual $9 billion off the federal budget—a move that mostly affects programs you didn’t realize were saving lives until yesterday’s headlines told you they might vanish. Among the financial casualties: foreign aid, public broadcasting, and—because irony is apparently