Latest posts
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Depth Charges and Daddy Issues: America’s Favorite Strongman Plays Battleship With the World
In a turn of events that could only be described as “textbook masculine fragility but with submarines,” former President Donald J. Trump has responded to a so-called “highly provocative” statement from Russia not with diplomacy, nor with tact, nor even with a sharply worded tweet—but with the deployment of two nuclear submarines. Because nothing says
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Gen Z Lives at Home Because They’re Smart, Not Lazy—And Also Because Rent Is a Crime Now
Let’s all take a deep breath and thank Generation Z. No, not for their TikTok dances or the fact that they somehow revived low-rise jeans, but for refusing to play the rigged Monopoly game we keep handing them and asking, “Why don’t you just buy Boardwalk?” They’re not buying Boardwalk. They’re moving back into Marvin
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Kamala Harris Declines to Govern: California Weeps, 2028 Holds Its Breath
In a week already saturated with bloated indictments, poorly aged tweets, and men with microphones saying “I miss when politics was normal,” Kamala Harris made the most powerful move in modern politics: saying no. She will not run for governor of California. Not because she can’t. Not because she’s lost the thread. But because she’s
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“The Apprentice: Pedophile Island Edition” – Trump’s Memory Hole Has a VIP Suite
Imagine, if you will, a former U.S. President—orange of hue, slippery of truth—waddling back onto the stage of public opinion not with grace, not with remorse, but with the uncooked swagger of a man who believes facts are just party guests you can disinvite later. Now picture that same man casually acknowledging that yes, one
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Business as Usual: A Two-Shooter Monday in the Land of the Free
There’s a uniquely American efficiency to how we process mass shootings. As if the country were run by a bureaucratic vending machine that now just spits out blood instead of soda. Insert thoughts. Receive prayers. Try again tomorrow. Today’s patriotic performance art featured not one but two active shooter incidents. First, the Grand Sierra Resort
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Budget Balanced, Children Buried: Austerity’s Most Efficient Program Yet
This week, the free market claimed another quiet victory as reports emerged that 652 Nigerian children have died of malnutrition—an achievement brought to you by the miracle of international funding cuts and the global community’s ongoing commitment to staring directly into a fire and commenting on the smoke. Doctors Without Borders, the organization still laboring
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When Random Stops Feeling Rare: What Another Walmart Tragedy Reveals About Us
There’s a point in any crisis-saturated society where the words stop hitting. “Man stabs 11 people at Michigan Walmart. Six in critical condition.” You read it. You blink. You scroll. It’s not that we don’t care—it’s that we can’t process it anymore. The shock we’re supposed to feel has calcified into something else. A dull
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Lock Her Up (But Poor This Time): America Rediscovers Its Favorite Chant—Now with Fewer Mar-a-Lagos
At long last, America’s most beloved political rally cry has returned—not for Hillary, not for Hunter, but for Hannah under the freeway overpass. Yes, “Lock Her Up” has been dusted off, polished, and rebranded for a new demographic: the unhoused. And it’s all thanks to the latest Trump executive order, which proposes the forcible hospitalization
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“Make Me President, Daddy”: A Spin Doctor’s Descent Through the American Spectacle
Read now on Kindle UnlimitedExplore more of my work: Amazon Author Page I didn’t write Make Me President, Daddy to mock a man. He does that to himself. I wrote it to eulogize a country that laughed its way into the grave. This book started as a scream I couldn’t get out during the first