Latest posts
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Merit, Excellence, and a Half-Billion Dollar Shuffle: The Education Department’s New Hunger Games
The Department of Education has always been a strange beast—part accountant, part social engineer, part referee for our endless cultural blood sports. On September 15, it decided to moonlight as a pit boss, shuffling chips from one table to another, all while insisting this was about “merit and excellence.” Translation: somebody’s walking out of the
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Pam Bondi Declares War on the First Amendment—Then Googles What It Actually Says
You’d think the Attorney General of the United States would know the First Amendment. You’d think she’d have at least skimmed it once in law school, maybe while flipping through her notes on “How Not to Start a Constitutional Crisis.” And yet here we are. Pam Bondi—Donald Trump’s Attorney General—managed to light Washington on fire
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ANTIFA: The Shadowy Organization That Doesn’t Exist (But Still Lives Rent-Free in GOP Heads)
America has a long history of misunderstanding things on purpose. Evolution? “Just a theory.” Climate change? “Maybe the sun’s just in a mood.” The First Amendment? “It means I can say the n-word at work without getting fired.” And now, the most recent, most hysterical misunderstanding: ANTIFA. Yes, ANTIFA—our country’s favorite boogeyman, the clandestine, hyper-coordinated,
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First They Came for Free Speech: Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, and America’s Fascist Curtain Call
Picture this: you’re sitting on your couch, remote in hand, waiting for Jimmy Kimmel to make a joke about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s latest word salad. Instead, you’re greeted by a rerun of one of their other really shitty shows—not because ABC thinks pratfalls are funnier than politics, but because the Federal Communications Commission, under Brendan
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The Return of Red Scares: Trump and Vance Turn Grief Into Witch Hunt
From Mourning to McCarthyism The assassination of Charlie Kirk should have been a tragedy contained by grief, accountability, and legal process. Instead, it became fuel. Within days, the White House pivoted from mourning to manufacturing a new Red Scare. President Donald Trump, flanked by Vice President JD Vance and professional apocalypse salesman Stephen Miller, decided
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The Death of Charlie Kirk and the Politics of Selective Grief
Violence Is Not the Answer Let’s start with the obvious: I condemn political violence. All of it. Every bullet, every act dressed up as “justice,” every attempt to turn disagreement into bloodshed. No cause, no grievance, no ideology makes murder acceptable. And yet here we are, talking about another assassination carried out on a public
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The Half-Mast Presidency: Selective Empathy as a National Ritual
Flags for Some, Not for Others There is nothing quite as American as fighting about flags. We argue about who can kneel before them, who can burn them, whether rainbows belong on them, and now—who gets the honor of lowering them. President Donald Trump ordered U.S. flags lowered nationwide for Charlie Kirk. A right-wing commentator
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Apple’s Next Ten Things: Because Owning Your Soul Once Wasn’t Enough
The Launch Avalanche No One Asked For Apple has lined up ten more products for release in the coming cycle. Ten. Because apparently, the cure for market stagnation isn’t innovation—it’s attrition. If one shiny rectangle doesn’t hypnotize you, surely ten will. The list reads like a fever dream of incrementalism: a faster Apple TV, a
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Groypers, Grievances, and the Great MAGA Family Reunion
Every political movement develops factions. The Bolsheviks had Mensheviks, the Catholics had Protestants, the Beatles had Yoko. But no coalition fractures quite like the MAGAverse, which has managed to stuff twelve different ideological cliques into one red hat—and none of them particularly like each other. If the Republican Party used to be a country club,
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The Eternal Gravity of Shit: Why Hierarchy Is Humanity’s Favorite Hobby
We like to tell ourselves that human beings are noble, empathetic creatures. We write novels about kindness, sing songs about love, build religions around compassion. But spend thirty seconds in line at Starbucks or thirty minutes Doordashing lukewarm Chipotle to someone in yoga pants, and the truth hits you in the face like a soggy