Latest posts
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Operation Paintbrush: America’s War on People Who Actually Work
Because nothing says “national security” like tackling day laborers in cargo pants outside a Home Depot. Welcome to America, where billionaires launder money through Delaware LLCs and hedge fund babies crush democracy via lobbying—but it’s the guy with a caulking gun trying to feed his family who gets black-bagged in the parking lot. Homeland Security
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Karentines: The Dating App for the Aggressively Disappointed
Because Tinder is too gay, Hinge is too brown, and FarmersOnly has gone woke. Welcome to Karentines, the only dating app curated for the spiritually constipated, emotionally barren, weaponized haircut class. Finally, a place where middle-aged entitlement meets middle school reading comprehension. The Premise Is SimpleYou swipe through candidates filtered not by compatibility, but by
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Trump Declares Peace Treaty with Imaginary Friend
BREAKING: In a breaking development that broke absolutely nothing, Donald J. Trump has declared a ceasefire between Israel and Iran. Which would be groundbreaking—if either country had actually agreed to it. Or even acknowledged it. Or knew what he was talking about. Iran, when asked to comment, essentially replied, “New ceasefire, who dis?” And Israel,
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Supreme Court to the World: You Can Stay… Until We Find a Plane Ticket and a Country That Doesn’t Know You Yet
Congratulations, America. Our Supreme Court just swiped right on international human rights law and ghosted it five minutes later. With a vote of 6-3—because of course it was—they decided it’s perfectly fine to deport undocumented immigrants to countries they’ve never set foot in. The catch? All you need is a “criminal conviction” and a fast-pass
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Anderson Allison Cooper and the Enriched Delusion: A Very Stable Tantrum
So here’s to Allison Cooper. May your poise forever expose the chaos. May your reporting cut through the noise. And may your very existence continue to make old men in red hats clutch their pearls harder than their Russian passports.
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Make It Work, Darling: My Love Letter to the Gloriously Deranged World of Project Runway
There are few things in life that bring me as much chaotic joy as Project Runway. I could be deep in an existential spiral, questioning the state of the world, my life, or why I always forget to defrost the chicken—and suddenly, like a rhinestoned angel from Bravo past, Tim Gunn whispers, “Make it work,”
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The Trauma Olympics: Why I’m Retiring My Jersey
Let me start with this: I’ve seen some shit. I’ve been kicked out at 16 for being gay, subjected to conversion therapy, survived cancer, buried friends, lost my nursing license for reporting a mistake I didn’t even make, and watched my dreams crumble while overdressed in a Holiday Inn Express lobby. I’ve weathered abusive relationships,
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American Healthcare: Now With 20% Less Humanity!
A User Manual for Surviving the ER Without Dignity or Insurance Welcome to the American healthcare system! Whether you’ve arrived via ambulance, rideshare, or crawling on your last good limb, this guide will prepare you for your stay in the trauma-scented purgatory known as the Emergency Room. Don’t worry—we’ve streamlined the experience to maximize humiliation
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Bee-yond the Beard: Why Food Awards Matter and Who’s Really Stirring the Pot
Once upon a time, if a chef wanted to be taken seriously, they had to toil quietly in the kitchen, perfecting duck à l’orange, whispering sweet nothings to soufflés, and praying some mysterious, trench coat-wearing Michelin inspector would bless their establishment with a star or two (or three, if they had made some sort of
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Mykael Zane, Now Hiring: How a Name Can Get You Erased Before You Even Apply
I was almost named Mykael Zane Cloud. And by “almost,” I mean I was—for a hot minute. Right until my grandparents, wielding all the subtlety of a segregation-era guidance counselor, decided that name was too ethnic, too bold, too much like someone who might speak Spanish at a PTA meeting or God forbid, ask to