Latest posts
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Yelling at the Lifeboat While Your House Sinks: FEMA
In a move that’s as logically airtight as a screen door on a submarine, former President Trump and DHS Secretary Noem have taken aim at FEMA—America’s go-to rescue agency—just as disaster struck in Texas. Their timing? Impeccable. Their strategy? Let’s just say it’s working about as well as a paper umbrella in a flood. Act
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NORTH KOREA ISSUES NEW THREATS: STOP FLYING STUFF NEAR US OR WE’LL TOTALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, MAYBE
PYONGYANG — In what’s become an oddly predictable quarterly tradition, North Korea has once again puffed up its metaphorical chest and issued stern warnings that it is “ready to engage in military action” against the United States, Japan, and South Korea. Sources confirm the warning came moments after Kim Jong-un finished his daily routine of
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NASA: Now Appointing Sean Duffy Astronauts
Well, buckle up Earthlings—because America’s favorite space agency is about to blast off in an entirely different direction. No, not toward Mars. Not toward the Moon. Not even toward basic logic. This week, over 2,000 senior NASA employees have been handed pink slips as part of President Trump’s bold new initiative to “trim the federal
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Michael Madsen Dies at 67, Prompting Hollywood to Ask: Wait, Wasn’t He Already a Ghost With a Cigarette?
Michael Madsen, the gravel-throated, sunglasses-inside-the-church icon of gritty masculinity, has died at 67. If your first response was “Didn’t he die ten years ago in a Tarantino film?”—you’re not alone. Madsen has spent the better part of five decades acting like he’d already been embalmed in Jack Daniels and regret, which is precisely what made
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Signed, Sealed, and Ready to Strangle Democracy in the Parking Lot of a Golden Corral
July 4, 2025 – Washington, D.C. (formerly known as the seat of democracy, now mostly just a themed escape room with worse puzzles) Happy Independence Day, America.While you’re lighting sparklers and dodging Uncle Randy’s racist fireworks rants, the government is signing its final love letter to authoritarianism—The Big Beautiful Bill. That’s not satire. That’s what
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From Ashes to Ass Hits: The Unholy Communion of Tupac’s Inner Circle
In the latest edition of Things That Definitely Would’ve Made Tupac Roll His Eyes, it turns out a few of his nearest and dearest decided to skip the traditional urn and instead treat his cremated remains like artisanal kush. That’s right: Tupac Shakur’s ashes were allegedly rolled into a blunt and smoked by his crew—because
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BREAKING: Thomas Massie Heroically Votes ‘Yes,’ Then ‘No,’ Then Liberates Us All from the Tyranny of Coherence
Today in Washington, Thomas Massie—libertarian cosplayer, part-time survivalist, and full-time chaos agent—did what he does best: weaponized a vote like a toddler with a Sharpie in a white living room. The Kentucky congressman shocked precisely no one by voting yes on a procedural rule that would’ve moved Trump’s so-called “One Big Beautiful Bill” forward—a $3.4
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Screw Perfection. My Books Are Live. Amazon Knows Where to Find Them.
For years, I did the thing we’re all taught to do: polish the manuscript, pitch the agents, wait for permission. I submitted. I revised. I shelved entire books waiting for the “right time.” Spoiler: it never came. So I stopped waiting. I’m self-publishing. And I’m terrified. And proud. And exhausted. And—finally—free. These books are raw.
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SpaceX and the City: Elon’s Galactic Baby Mamas
Welcome to “SpaceX & the City,” the only show where the launchpad is your loins and the paternity test is pending. Today’s episode? A whirlwind romp through the Musk-iverse—a place where kids are named after Wi-Fi passwords and co-parenting involves occasional Twitter likes. Let’s meet the brave women who made the bold decision to bear
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15 Crimes Against Cooking Shows That Should Be Prosecuted by the Culinary Hague
Welcome back to “Oh Honey, No”, the only cooking competition where the prize is $10,000 and permanent public shame. It’s a magical land where hopeful amateur chefs ignore decades of televised cooking wisdom in favor of chaotic, delusional hubris. This is Hell’s Kitchen without the hell or the kitchen—just unholy crimes served lukewarm on an