Latest posts
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Scissors for Thee, Chainsaw for Me: The Supreme Court’s Guide to Fairness
Ah, the Supreme Court—America’s Magic 8 Ball in a powdered wig. One minute it’s declaring that President Biden can’t forgive a dime of student debt without Congress’s explicit permission, the next it’s sipping sweet tea and watching Trump light the entire Department of Education on fire like it’s a 4th of July sparkler. Because apparently,
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Yelling at the Lifeboat While Your House Sinks: FEMA
In a move that’s as logically airtight as a screen door on a submarine, former President Trump and DHS Secretary Noem have taken aim at FEMA—America’s go-to rescue agency—just as disaster struck in Texas. Their timing? Impeccable. Their strategy? Let’s just say it’s working about as well as a paper umbrella in a flood. Act
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NORTH KOREA ISSUES NEW THREATS: STOP FLYING STUFF NEAR US OR WE’LL TOTALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, MAYBE
PYONGYANG — In what’s become an oddly predictable quarterly tradition, North Korea has once again puffed up its metaphorical chest and issued stern warnings that it is “ready to engage in military action” against the United States, Japan, and South Korea. Sources confirm the warning came moments after Kim Jong-un finished his daily routine of
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Kerrville Welcomes Its Most “Extraordinary” Visitor: The Einstein Visa Queen Returns!
BREAKING: The Hill Country was briefly graced with otherworldly greatness this week as Melania Trump, First Lady Emerita and alleged immigrant overachiever, descended upon Kerrville with her husband, the 45th and possibly 47th President, Donald J. Trump. Let’s hope ICE don’t find out. Locals were stunned to learn that Kerrville, long famous for its deer
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Court Blocks Trump’s Deport-a-Palooza: LA Says ‘Nice Try, ICE Guy’
In what some are calling a seismic shift and others are calling “Tuesday,” a federal judge in Los Angeles has slammed the brakes on the Trump administration’s attempt to throw an immigration-themed block party — complete with surprise arrests and zero constitutional oversight. The temporary restraining order halts immigration enforcement operations across Southern California, which
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BUBONIC PLAGUE IN ARIZONA: 14TH CENTURY ICON MAKES UNWELCOME COMEBACK
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — Just when you thought the only plague still circulating was the group chat from your old job, northern Arizona has been struck by a blast from the past — and not the cool, vintage kind. Health officials have confirmed that a local resident has died from pneumonic plague, a grim throwback infection
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DOJ’s Epstein Cell Footage Brought to You by Adobe Premiere Pro—Now Available in the Creative Suite of Justice
In a bombshell that shocked absolutely no one with an internet connection and a pulse, it turns out the Department of Justice’s long-awaited, much-demanded footage from Jeffrey Epstein’s cell was… edited. Not lightly cleaned up. Not redacted for national security. Edited. As in “stitched together in Adobe Premiere Pro like it was your cousin’s wedding
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ICE Really Said “High” Crimes—Raids on California Cannabis Farms Spark Blaze of Chaos
Well, it’s official: federal agents have entered their “villain arc.” On Thursday, July 10, ICE—yes, the same ICE that somehow still exists—raided two cannabis farms in Ventura County, California. Because if there’s one thing this country desperately needs right now, it’s fewer people growing plants and more people getting tear-gassed in a lettuce field. The
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Trump Surprised African Leader Speaks English—In Country Where English Is the National Language
Geography was never his strong suit. Neither was diplomacy. During a formal White House luncheon meant to honor African partnership and unity, President Donald Trump stunned absolutely no one by stunning everyone—again. While greeting Liberian President Joseph Boakai, Trump reportedly leaned in, nodded sagely, and said:“You speak English very well—where did you learn it?” The
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Welcome to the Circus: A Love Letter to the American Experience (Now with Extra Fees!)
Being an American means never having to say, “This makes sense.” It’s waking up every day in a nation so committed to being “exceptional” that we’ve proudly invented our own measurement system, health care roulette, and the concept of a “patriotic brand of bottled water.” Let’s take a moment to appreciate the uniquely unhinged bingo