Latest posts
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The Battle of Suriname: How We Saved Ohio from a Boat Headed to the Netherlands
The White House promised us they were stopping a direct threat to the homeland, but it turns out they were just interdicting a shipment for the Amsterdam party scene with a Hellfire missile. Geography has never been a strong suit of the American empire. We have a long and storied history of confusing one desert
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The Pipe Bomber Was Just a Guy Named Brian: A Mystery Solved by the League of Extraordinary Grifters
It turns out the “Deep State” operative who planted bombs on January 5th wasn’t a spectral fed or a Antifa super-soldier. He was a guy from Virginia with a Nissan Sentra and a rewards card. We have reached the season finale of the great American conspiracy theory, and the writers have truly outdone themselves with
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Olivia Nuzzi’s American Canto: The Art of Selling a Scandal Without Actually Selling the Goods
When the memoir is less a reckoning and more a press release written in the font of a nervous breakdown. The collapse of a reputation in Washington usually follows a predictable physics. There is the initial transgression, followed by the frantic denial, the inevitable leak of digital receipts, the forced resignation, and finally the exile
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Pete Hegseth Should Have Stuck With Fox News
When the chain of command becomes a group chat, the only thing securing the nation is the battery life of Pete Hegseth’s iPhone. The modern theatre of war is no longer a dimly lit room filled with cigarette smoke and maps pushed around by grim-faced men in uniform. It is not the hushed, sterile environment
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Cabinet Meeting of the Living Dead: A Seventy-Two Hour Autopsy
When the President invents eighteen trillion dollars and then falls asleep, you know it’s Tuesday. The federal government has always been, at its core, a theater of the absurd, but the last seventy-two hours have transcended mere farce and entered the realm of avant-garde performance art. We just witnessed a Cabinet meeting that functioned less
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The No-Fly Zone of the Id: How Trump Annexed Venezuela in 280 Characters or Less
The airspace above a sovereign nation is usually governed by a complex web of treaties, international conventions, and the boring, reliable physics of radar and air traffic control. But in the year 2025, the laws of aerodynamics and the Chicago Convention on International Civil Aviation have been superseded by a more potent force: the Caps
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The First Illegal Aliens Wore Buckle Shoes: A Thanksgiving Guide to Stolen Land and Hypocrisy
The truth is that America is a messy, violent, beautiful, hypocritical project. It is a country capable of profound generosity and staggering cruelty. We are a nation of immigrants who hate immigrants. We are a nation born of revolution that fears change. We are a nation of stolen land that is obsessed with property rights.
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The FBI’s New Most Wanted List: People Who Can Read the Employee Handbook
There is a specific, grim absurdity to the moment when the premier law enforcement agency of the United States transforms into a customer service department for a presidential tantrum. On any given Tuesday, the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division is generally tasked with disrupting bomb plots, dismantling sleeper cells, and tracking violent extremists who wish to do
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The Secretary of War vs. The Astronaut: Why the Pentagon Is Court-Martialing a Senator for Reading the Manual
The transition from a democratic republic to a reality television autocracy is usually marked by a change in the stationery. In the case of the Department of Defense, the rebranding has been less about letterhead and more about a fundamental shift in the metaphysics of the building. Under the stewardship of Pete Hegseth, a man
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The Economy Is Just Three AI Trench Coats in a Trench Coat: Why Your 401(k) Is Actually a Casino Bet on Chatbots
If you have glanced at a financial headline in 2025, you might be under the impression that the American economy is roaring like a lion. The S&P 500 is up more than 12 percent!1 The Nasdaq is printing money! Larry Kudlow is on Fox Business inventing words like “growthier” and “money-er” to describe the sheer,