BREAKING: Lisa Murkowski has once again voted to advance a Republican bill that has all the charm of a flaming trash barge drifting through civil rights. And somewhere in Maine, Susan Collins is furrowing her brow so hard it may finally snap in half. She’s “deeply concerned,” y’all—probably writing another strongly worded Post-it note to her conscience (last seen at a Romney fundraiser in 2011).
Let’s talk about this Big Beautiful Bill. Or as I like to call it: the “Christian Nationalist Starter Pack.”
Despite the name, there’s nothing “big” about it unless you count the boldness of trying to criminalize empathy. It’s not “beautiful” unless you’re into 1940s fascist aesthetics. And no, it was not written by Bill Clinton—although I wouldn’t put it past the GOP to try to gaslight us into thinking that.
So what is the Big Beautiful Bill?
Glad you asked.
It’s a legislative dumpster fire tied together with an American flag napkin and a Chick-fil-A receipt. It includes:
- A rollback of LGBTQ+ protections under the guise of “religious liberty,” meaning your employer can now legally fire you if your husband’s name is Kyle and you both enjoy brunch.
- A nationwide abortion ban, but dressed up in vague, manipulative language like “protecting fetal personhood,” because apparently zygotes now get more civil rights than actual breathing adults.
- A ban on Critical Race Theory, which, let’s be honest, they still couldn’t define with a gun to their heads. (Though to be fair, that’s the only thing they’d use a gun for that doesn’t involve a school.)
- The American Heritage School Voucher Expansion Clause™, which diverts public school funds to evangelical prep academies where Jesus rides dinosaurs and Reagan ended slavery.
- A “Patriotic Education Fund” that would reward teachers for “flag-forward curriculum” (actual wording), i.e., rewriting history to make Andrew Jackson sound like a misunderstood influencer and not, you know, a genocidal maniac.
- Expanded policing protections that essentially turn “qualified immunity” into “blank check brutality”—because nothing says ‘liberty’ like militarized traffic stops in neighborhoods that voted blue.
- Environmental deregulation so intense it’s basically a manifesto for turning national parks into parking lots. Looking forward to Yellowstone: Now With a Sonic Drive-Thru.
But the real kicker? The “Family Values Tax Credit”, which sounds sweet until you realize it only applies to married heterosexual couples with at least two children, who must be homeschooled, unvaccinated, and named after Biblical patriarchs. Sorry, Taylor and Jordan—you’re out. Congrats, Ezekiel and Ruth Jr., your parents get a $400 check and a framed photo of Clarence Thomas.
And Lisa Murkowski voted for it.
Lisa, the so-called “independent Alaskan,” who wraps herself in the myth of bipartisanship like it’s a North Face jacket, continues to prove that when push comes to shove, she folds like a polyester napkin at a Republican fundraiser. Every time she’s offered a choice between standing up for civil liberties or smiling politely while democracy gets kneecapped—she chooses the latter and throws in a polite press release for good measure.
And don’t even get me started on Susan “I’m very concerned” Collins. The woman has been clutching pearls for 25 years and never once used them to strangle the right-wing policies she claims to dislike. If concern were currency, she’d be richer than Bezos. But it’s not. It’s just cover.
Every single time we hope they’ll vote their conscience, we forget that their conscience lives in Mitch McConnell’s coat pocket.
They are not moderates. They are not bridges. They are not “the last reasonable Republicans.”
They are enablers with well-coiffed hair and press-trained voices. They are the human equivalent of reading the Constitution off a Hobby Lobby wall sign. And every time they pretend to waver—every time they toss out a quote about “listening to both sides”—it’s just foreplay before screwing us over.
So, no, America. Lisa and Susan aren’t going to save us.
They never were.
They’re just the smiling faces of the machine grinding us down, the ones who make authoritarianism look polite, the ones who sell you out while quoting the Founding Fathers. And if you’re still holding out hope for their redemption, ask yourself one thing:
How many times does Lucy have to yank the football before you finally get it?
It’s time we stopped calling them moderates and started calling them what they are: complicity in heels.