Welcome to “SpaceX & the City,” the only show where the launchpad is your loins and the paternity test is pending. Today’s episode? A whirlwind romp through the Musk-iverse—a place where kids are named after Wi-Fi passwords and co-parenting involves occasional Twitter likes.
Let’s meet the brave women who made the bold decision to bear witness—and children—to Elon Musk’s quest to colonize Earth… one nursery at a time.
1. Justine Musk
Genre: Gothic Novelist, Ex-Wife, First Musk Baby Mama
The OG. The prototype. Justine walked so the others could meme. She gave us five of the early models: twins and triplets, like a fertility flex sent from Olympus. Fun fact: She’s the one who started the whole “Elon has no emotional range but definitely has range in reproduction” narrative.
2. Talulah Riley
Genre: British Actress, Twice Married, Never Pregnant (That We Know Of)
Though she didn’t bear children with Musk, Talulah deserves an honorary mention for trying the Musk marriage experience—twice. It was sort of like rebooting a buggy app: it crashes harder the second time. Still, she’s in the lore.
3. Amber Heard
Genre: Actress, Chaos Enthusiast, Allegedly Uterus Adjacent
They dated. She cried. He tweeted. No kids here, but the emotional trauma birthed during this union is now old enough to drive.
4. Grimes (Claire Boucher)
Genre: Canadian Art Goblin, Musical AI Whisperer, Co-Creator of Æ A-Xii
Together, they gave us the alphabet soup known as X Æ A-Xii, followed by a daughter with a name that sounds like a Final Fantasy summon. Grimes is also responsible for explaining to the press why co-parenting with a billionaire involves more orbit than stability.
5. Shivon Zilis
Genre: Neuralink Exec, Ethically Complicated HR Nightmare
Shivon skipped the candlelight and went straight for the clinical. Twins via IVF—because what says “romance” more than lab-conceived love and corporate synergy? These twins were reportedly born weeks before Grimes’ second child. Elon Musk is nothing if not time-efficient.
Coming Soon:
- New Musklings via rumored surrogates and potential future mergers.
- Limited Edition Collector’s Children, released quarterly with exclusive NFT names.
- The Musk Family Christmas Card, which will soon need its own zip code.
Elon Musk’s legacy is written in code, chaos, and custody arrangements. He may not believe in birth control, but he definitely believes in control. Of narratives, nations, and nursery rhyme rights.
Tune in next time for: “Which of Elon’s kids filed for emancipation and which are building Tesla tanks in Dad’s bunker?”
Because nothing says “genius visionary” like forgetting all your kids’ birthdays… but never missing a quarterly earnings call.