Welcome to another episode of America’s Favorite Gaslight, where everything good is socialism, and everything evil is just “economic freedom.”
Let’s begin:
- Medicare for All?
“That’s socialism! What do you want next? Government death panels? Fluoride mind control? A nation where nobody dies because they couldn’t afford insulin? God forbid!” - Social Security?
“That’s socialism! And don’t you dare touch my benefits while I scream at you about government overreach from my tax-funded retirement condo in Boca.” - Debt-free college?
“That’s socialism! Why should my neighbor’s kid go to college without accruing the kind of debt that makes you consider selling a kidney? Back in my day, we walked uphill both ways—to bankruptcy court.” - Universal childcare?
“That’s socialism! You made that baby, now cancel your job interview and start bartering homemade jam for diapers like the Founding Fathers intended.”
But wait—cut to:
$1.5 trillion in tax cuts for the wealthy.
“Oh, that? That’s not socialism. That’s job creation. Trickle-down economics, baby! It’s totally normal that Jeff Bezos paid less in taxes than your cousin who Instacarts hummus for a living.”
You see, in America, “socialism” is anything that makes regular people’s lives slightly more humane. But “economic policy” is when billionaires get to hoard wealth like dragons and rename public stadiums after crypto exchanges that collapse faster than a toddler on a sugar crash.
We can’t afford Medicare for All, but we can afford unlimited corporate subsidies, bank bailouts, and new tax loopholes named after yachts. Because if rich people don’t get breaks, how will they afford the lobbyists that write our laws?
So next time someone says, “We can’t have nice things—that’s socialism,” just smile and remember:
They’ll call it tyranny when you ask for healthcare, but liberty when Raytheon gets another billion to build drones that accidentally destroy a daycare.
Happy freedom, comrades.