Amazon, the same company that turned free shipping into a moral compass and made Jeff Bezos bald with power, has unveiled its wishlist for the next James Bond. The contenders? Jacob Elordi (Euphoria), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), and Harris Dickinson (Triangle of Sadness). Which is fitting, because this casting list feels like a triangle of cinematic despair.
The internet reacted accordingly—by collectively questioning whether MI6 now recruits from acting schools or YouTube thirst compilations.
Tom Holland: Everyone’s favorite soft-spoken golden retriever. Great Spider-Man. Adorable interview subject. But James Bond? This is a man who looks like he calls his mom when he gets scared by thunder. He’s got the vibe of someone who apologizes before he shoots a henchman and double-checks if they have any dietary restrictions.
Holland’s Bond would request a shaken oat milk latte, not a martini. He wouldn’t gamble in Monte Carlo—he’d panic when his debit card declined at Pret. And don’t even ask him to seduce someone. He’d compliment their shoes and run away blushing.
Jacob Elordi: The guy looks like he was genetically engineered in a Gucci lab. Tall, jawline like a Marvel villain, brooding enough to be an unpaid poet in a Paris dive bar. He could definitely wear the suit. But can he be the suit?
There’s always a risk when casting someone who’s too pretty: they might try to solve international crises with smoldering looks instead of actual espionage. Bond needs to be hot, yes, but also capable of casually killing someone with a tie clip—not just using it as a fashion statement.
Harris Dickinson: Probably the most reasonable choice, but still reads like someone who’d break into MI6 to film an indie coming-of-age short about existential dread and artisanal coffee. He’s the kind of Bond who’d talk about the ethics of drone strikes over dinner instead of actually completing the mission.
Is he talented? Sure. Does he have menace? Maybe. Does he look like someone who’s ever punched a Nazi in a train bathroom while bleeding from the temple? That’s less clear.
Twitter Reactions Included:
- “Tom Holland as Bond? You mean James Boned—like the franchise?”
- “Jacob Elordi might be the only Bond who moisturizes during a shootout.”
- “Can Harris Dickinson kill a man or just vibe him into submission?”
The Bigger Crisis: What Is Bond Now, Anyway?
Bond used to be a martini-swilling womanizer with a tux, a pistol, and exactly one feeling: vengeance. Now, he’s expected to be emotionally intelligent, vaguely vegan, and capable of quoting Brené Brown in a high-speed chase.
He has to murder villains, self-reflect, dismantle the patriarchy, and pay his therapist on time. The job description now reads like a LinkedIn post from a wellness startup.
This isn’t just a casting dilemma—it’s an existential reboot. What does it mean to be 007 in the age of biodegradable ammo and cancel culture?
License to Cry?
This shortlist feels like a mix between a Teen Vogue cover shoot and a reboot of Degrassi: British Intelligence. We’re one casting choice away from seeing James Bond ask the villain, “Is it okay if we take a break and talk about boundaries?”
Imagine the gadgets: A vape that’s also a truth serum. Smart glasses that livestream to BondTok. A smartwatch that tracks his anxiety levels during high-stakes poker.
Bring Back Grit
Daniel Craig looked like he drank gasoline for breakfast and punched concrete walls to fall asleep. These new candidates look like they sip kombucha and process trauma through interpretive dance.
Not every Bond needs to be a Neanderthal in cufflinks, but maybe—just maybe—he shouldn’t look like he’s about to ask if you want to co-host his podcast on mindfulness and male vulnerability.
Final Thought
If Amazon’s vision is to turn Bond into a damp, emotionally available YouTube vlogger with a European accent and an exfoliation routine, they’re on the right track. But if we’re meant to believe the fate of the free world rests on the shoulders of someone who still gets ID’d at R-rated movies, it might be time to bury the franchise next to M and call it a day.
Bond doesn’t need to be old school. But he does need to be someone who knows how to reload a gun without crying.