America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.”
Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health, the same agency leading Alzheimer’s research. It’s a brilliant, forward-thinking move—if you think curing memory loss is best accomplished by… cutting the budget that pays for it.
That’s right, folks. RFK Jr. is out here treating Alzheimer’s like it’s a bad roommate: ignore it long enough, and maybe it’ll just leave. Or get distracted and wander off.
Step One: Commit Loudly
In a move straight out of the “Say It Louder So It Sounds Like Policy” playbook, Kennedy promised to prioritize Alzheimer’s research while simultaneously gutting the resources necessary to do it. It’s like saying you’re totally committed to saving whales—by proposing legislation to drain the ocean and replace it with essential oils.
We haven’t seen this level of fiscal whiplash since Republicans declared their undying love for veterans while slashing the VA budget and telling them to heal with bootstraps and Bengay.
Step Two: Gaslight the Nation
When Rep. Nanette Barragán (D-CA) pointed out the cognitive dissonance—“You’re cutting the Alzheimer’s research agency by $1.2 billion”—Kennedy blinked like someone who accidentally walked into a Mensa meeting wearing an Alex Jones t-shirt.
To paraphrase his probable internal monologue:
“That’s not a cut, it’s a spiritual realignment of priorities via budgetary detox.”
Kennedy then pivoted to the political version of a distracted toddler: changing the subject. The man has the attention span of a goldfish with long COVID and the conviction of someone who learned science from a Facebook group moderated by Gwyneth Paltrow’s crystal supplier.
Step Three: Replace Research with Vibes
Now, you may ask: If not NIH-funded research, what exactly is Kennedy’s Alzheimer’s plan?
Glad you asked. It likely includes:
- Raw milk enemas
- Forest bathing with Tucker Carlson
- Screaming at cell towers until they feel guilty
- Using ivermectin as both a brain fog treatment and exfoliant
Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned about RFK Jr., it’s that he treats medical science like a haunted Ouija board: unreliable, suspicious, but fun to use during a podcast.
Cutting-Edge Science (From the 1800s)
RFK Jr.’s faith in alternative medicine is so unshakable, he’d probably recommend treating Alzheimer’s with a kale smoothie and a strong belief in constitutional originalism.
Forget PET scans or CRISPR—real healing happens when you unplug your Wi-Fi and whisper your trauma into a gluten-free scone. This is the man who thinks mRNA vaccines are a Bill Gates thought experiment and believes Fauci has a Batcave full of nanobots somewhere under D.C.
You can practically see the headline now:
“Kennedy 2025 Alzheimer’s Initiative: Memory Loss Ends When Big Pharma Stops Existing.”
Commitment, Defined Loosely
Let’s be fair. When RFK Jr. says he’s “completely committed,” he might just mean emotionally. Not financially. Not logistically. And certainly not in the way that actually gets people treatment.
It’s like saying “I totally support women’s rights” and then voting to outlaw tampons. Or tweeting “thoughts and prayers” during a wildfire you helped set with a blowtorch and a can of Aqua Net.
The only thing he’s truly committed to is a vague, free-range version of “truth” that’s allergic to peer-reviewed journals and deeply aroused by Joe Rogan interviews.
Imagine the Campaign Slogans
If RFK Jr. sticks with this bold Alzheimer’s plan, the slogans write themselves:
- “Forget Alzheimer’s. No, literally.”
- “Let’s Cut Through the Fog—And the Budget.”
- “Hope Is Contagious. So Is Misinformation.”
Hell, the bumper sticker could just say:
“RFK Jr. 2024: The Cure Is Inside You. Probably in the Colon.”
Where’s the Outrage?
Honestly, we’d be more outraged if this weren’t so on brand for modern politics.
This is the era where:
- Climate change is addressed by rolling back emissions standards and planting one tree on Earth Day.
- Gun violence is solved by blaming doors.
- Hunger is tackled by cutting SNAP and encouraging “personal responsibility,” as if carrots spontaneously appear in your pantry when you chant “freedom” into a mirror.
RFK Jr. belongs to the proud tradition of “solution-based neglect,” where the optics matter more than the outcomes and sincerity is measured in decibels, not data.
Final Diagnosis: Prognosis Negative
If you or a loved one are suffering from Alzheimer’s, don’t worry—RFK Jr. is here to unfund the disease into submission. Just don’t expect science, structure, or sanity to show up on the treatment plan.
But do expect a detox kit, a link to a Substack post about mercury poisoning, and a firm handshake from a guy who thinks your neurons are too woke.
After all, who needs brains when you’ve got vibes?