Introducing Repressitol PM, the only sleep aid clinically designed for those of us whose nightly routine includes laying in bed and remembering everything we’ve ever done wrong since 1996.
Is your bedtime ritual more like a horror anthology curated by your subconscious? Do you routinely wake up at 3:07 a.m. wondering if that joke you made in 11th grade is why you’re unlovable?
Good news: Repressitol PM is here to knock you unconscious before the mental slideshow begins.
What Is Repressitol PM?
Repressitol PM is a revolutionary blend of melatonin, ibuprofen, blackout humor, and just enough spiritual detachment to get you through the night. It doesn’t solve your problems, it just lets you sleep through them.
Other medications might encourage “healing” or “processing.” Not us. We specialize in emotional sedation.
Because you can’t cry if you’re unconscious.
Who Is It For?
- Survivors of late-stage capitalism who still need to show up for work at 8am.
- Millennials who aged ten years during the Trump administration.
- Queer folks with complicated family holidays.
- Anyone whose therapist said, “Have you tried journaling?” and you responded by Googling “how to fake your death and start over.”
How Does It Work?
Repressitol PM activates once your head hits the pillow. Within ten minutes, your brain will reroute from intrusive thoughts to a gentle loop of neutral images: decorative throw pillows, soft jazz, and blurry memories of your last emotionally stable year (which may be fictional).
By morning, you’ll have no recollection of last night’s shame spiral or the climate crisis. Just a vague sense that something is deeply wrong, but you’re too rested to care.
Warning Signs You May Need Repressitol PM:
- You refer to your coping mechanisms as “quirky personality traits.”
- You have a spreadsheet of people you think might secretly hate you.
- You sleep with the TV on so your thoughts don’t get too loud.
- You’ve ever whispered “shut up” to your own brain.
Side Effects May Include:
- Vivid dreams featuring all your exes.
- Temporary relief from existential dread.
- Emotional constipation.
- Inappropriate laughter at funerals.
- A faint buzzing in your ears whenever someone says “mindfulness.”
Testimonials
“Before Repressitol PM, I used to stare at the ceiling for hours replaying every awkward interaction I’ve ever had. Now I wake up confused and dissociated, which is honestly an upgrade.” — Tiffany, 34, emotionally unavailable Pisces
“I gave my mom half a Repressitol before Thanksgiving dinner and she didn’t ask me once about grandchildren. Five stars.” — Luca, 29, queer and tired
“I tried journaling. Then I tried drinking. Repressitol PM hits the sweet spot in between.” — Jordan, 41, closet goth
But Wait—There’s More!
Ask your doctor about Repressitol PM Plus: now with Melatonibuprofen, perfect for the mornings when your emotional hangover is paired with neck pain from sleeping like a pretzel of regret.
And for daytime use, try Repressitol Lite: keeps you functional enough to answer emails but numb enough to survive them.
Because Processing Is for People Who Have Time.
You don’t need healing. You need eight hours of uninterrupted blackout. You need silence from the committee in your head. You need Repressitol PM.
Available wherever mental health care is wildly inaccessible.
Take one. Forget everything. Wake up rested and emotionally repressed.
You’ll thank us in therapy. Eventually.