Recently, Pete Hegseth—former Fox News host turned full-time Trump whisperer and part-time Press Secretary cosplay model—held a press conference that can only be described as a masterclass in authoritarian fan fiction. Somewhere between the “fake news” finger-pointing and the sweaty defense of Dear Leader’s latest conspiracy tweet, Hegseth made it crystal clear: the Trump-aligned GOP doesn’t want journalists, they want stenographers with no follow-up questions and a MAGA bumper sticker on their notepads.
The press conference began with Hegseth confidently strutting in like he just discovered the First Amendment in a Cracker Barrel menu. He opened with, “The media’s job is to report what we tell you, not ask questions,” which would be shocking if it weren’t the unofficial White House slogan since 2016. This is a man who treats freedom of the press like it’s an allergy—hives erupt any time someone says the word “accountability.”
He followed up by scolding a reporter for “being too aggressive” after she dared to quote something Trump said—verbatim. “That’s not what he meant,” Hegseth huffed, proving once again that the job of a Trump-adjacent mouthpiece is to translate English into aggressive gaslighting. Somewhere, Kellyanne Conway nodded in approval from her crypt.
When asked if the administration would ever support journalists doing their jobs, Pete responded, “Only the good ones. You know, the ones who clap.” Yes, apparently objectivity now comes with a loyalty test and a round of applause. Forget watchdogs of democracy—he wants golden retrievers who roll over on command.
Throughout the briefing, Hegseth referred to CNN as “Commie News Nitwits,” MSNBC as “Mostly Slander, No Broadcast Credibility,” and NPR as “National Propaganda Radio.” He saved his best insult for The New York Times, calling it “the deep state’s literary fan club.” One can only assume he got these names from a Facebook comment thread under a Breitbart meme.
At one point, Hegseth unveiled what he called the “new media code of conduct,” a laminated card that says:
- Don’t ask questions.
- Smile more.
- No eye contact.
- Don’t talk about January 6 unless you’re blaming Antifa.
- Praise Elon. Always.
By the end, Hegseth had somehow compared himself to both George Washington and Joe Rogan, while accusing the AP of “election sabotage through fonts.” His final words to the press were, “We don’t need watchdogs. We’ve got Tucker reruns.”
In conclusion: if you’re a journalist covering this administration, please remember to keep your voice down, your questions pre-approved, and your spine in the coatroom. Or just tune into Newsmax and pretend that makes you informed.
Because in 2025, it’s not about the truth—it’s about the optics of loyalty. And Pete Hegseth? He’s just the guy holding the pom-poms at the autocracy pep rally.