Because nothing says “national security” like tackling day laborers in cargo pants outside a Home Depot.
Welcome to America, where billionaires launder money through Delaware LLCs and hedge fund babies crush democracy via lobbying—but it’s the guy with a caulking gun trying to feed his family who gets black-bagged in the parking lot.
Homeland Security recently descended on an L.A. Home Depot in full tactical cosplay to snatch up immigrant day workers. The mission? Protecting the homeland from the scourge of affordable deck repair.
ICE: Because War Crimes Abroad Weren’t Enough, We’re Now Intimidating Gardeners
The raid, dubbed “Operation Paintbrush” (probably), involved unmarked SUVs, plainclothes agents, and a lot of confusion from men whose biggest crime was hoping to patch some drywall before noon.
There were no warrants. No warnings. Just a group of brown men with tool belts, hauled off like livestock while America clapped for “law and order.”
Meanwhile, Chad—who just drove drunk through a school zone while texting his mistress—got a warning and a gumdrop.
Let’s Be Clear: This Wasn’t About Law
This was performance art for racists.
Nobody’s kicking down the gated communities hiring undocumented housekeepers. Nobody’s raiding the farms owned by people with golf course memberships. Those folks get subsidies. The guy staining your pergola gets a cage.
Because, dear reader, the only thing more American than capitalism is hypocrisy.
America’s Favorite Myth: We Built This
Sure, Jan. You built it. Just like you harvested the lettuce and laid the concrete and raised the kids you didn’t want to raise.
Let’s stop pretending we hate immigrants. We love immigrants—as long as they shut up, disappear after the shift, and don’t ask for healthcare. Or wages. Or rights. Or, God forbid, presence.
The second they become visible? They’re a “crisis.”
We want the labor, not the humanity. Think DoorDash, but for dignity.
Meet the Threats to Democracy:
- Miguel, 38. Drywaller. Father of four. Pays taxes, never missed a shift.
- ICE Agent Kyle, 26. Power-tripping hall monitor with a badge. Still mad he didn’t get into the FBI.
- Senator Greg, 61. Pays nannies under the table, but loves tweeting “Build the Wall.”
One of these people is ruining America. The other two have a Costco membership and a tan.
“But They’re Illegal!” cries Facebook Karen, sipping a $7 Starbucks made by an immigrant.
Let’s unpack that:
- Being undocumented = civil violation.
- Hiring them = federal crime.
- Treating them like they’re disposable = moral failure with a side of fascism.
But Karen’s mad because she had to press 1 for English.
Meanwhile, Actual Crimes Continue:
- Oil companies melt the planet.
- Wall Street “accidentally” loses your pension.
- A CEO lays off 20,000 people, buys a yacht, and names it “Fiscal Responsibility.”
But yeah, let’s send ten agents to tackle a guy named Jorge who paints murals and doesn’t own a belt.
ICE: Making America Safe From Landscaping
Their mission includes:
- Arresting men who trim hedges.
- Calling it a “security operation.”
- Posing for press photos like they just rescued a hostage.
These aren’t enforcement actions. They’re taxpayer-funded tantrums.
And they’re not about justice. They’re about humiliation.
Where Are the “Good Christians”?
Probably tweeting Bible verses from the Chick-fil-A drive-thru while their lawn is being mowed.
Jesus was undocumented, y’all. Brown. Middle Eastern. Poor. Traveled with a group. Preached about love. Sound familiar?
If he showed up today, ICE would shove him into a van before he finished saying “Blessed are the…”
Final Thought from the Bee:
This isn’t immigration policy. It’s performance. It’s cruelty with a budget.
You want to fix the system? Start with the corporations exploiting labor. Start with the lawmakers writing bigotry into law. Start with the ICE agents who think a clipboard and a gun make them patriots.
And for God’s sake, leave the guy in the Home Depot lot alone.
He didn’t crash the economy. He’s just trying to fix your damn roof.
And he’s better at building America than the people tearing it apart.