It’s August 20, 2025, and Israel has announced the “first steps” of an operation to take over Gaza City. Which is a polite way of saying: the IDF has pulled its boots up to the curb, ordered tens of thousands of reservists back from their poolside August vacations, and is now circling Gaza City like a mall cop outside a Hot Topic. Brigadier General Effie Defrin—whose name sounds less like a general and more like a brand of antihistamine—called Hamas “battered and bruised,” which is military code for “we’ve been pounding them for two years straight, but they’re somehow still here.”5
Meanwhile, international critics are lining up to issue sternly worded press releases, because nothing stops bullets and tunnel warfare quite like strongly italicized condemnations.
The War That Just Won’t End
This conflict is now approaching its two-year anniversary, meaning it’s officially older than most TikTok trends and about as coherent. Remember when everyone thought this was going to be a few weeks of “surgical strikes” and then a ceasefire? That was back when world leaders still used phrases like “short-term.” Now, we’re in “eternal entanglement,” starring the same cast of characters, the same battle zones, and the same recycled press conferences, with only the season number changing.
Israel says they’re proceeding with the Gaza City assault despite ceasefire negotiations being allegedly “close.” Of course, “close” in Middle East peace talks means the same thing it does in online dating: you’ve exchanged three messages, someone ghosted, and the UN is still holding out hope for a second date.
The Optics Olympics
Let’s talk optics, because this war is as much about perception management as it is about territory. Putin’s running the “I won’t meet Zelenskyy because it legitimizes him” playbook, but Israel has its own strategy: advance just far enough to look serious, but leave enough ambiguity so the diplomats still think they’re relevant.
Brig. Gen. Defrin insists that Hamas is reduced to a “guerrilla force.” Which sounds reassuring until you remember that “guerrilla force” is just military jargon for “they don’t line up neatly in uniforms for us to shoot.” Hamas apparently proved that point near Khan Younis this week, emerging from tunnels like groundhogs with AK-47s and anti-tank weapons, wounding Israeli soldiers and then claiming a suicide blast raid. Hamas’s PR arm, the Al-Qassam Brigades, rushed to Telegram to announce: We’re still here, thanks for asking.
Meanwhile, Israel’s government is considering a new ceasefire proposal, but the military is already rolling tanks toward the heart of Gaza City. Which is sort of like RSVP’ing “maybe” to a wedding while simultaneously announcing you’ve already eloped.
Diplomacy as Theater
Here’s the thing: ceasefire negotiations in this conflict aren’t diplomacy. They’re theater. Every time you see “talks ongoing in Cairo,” imagine improv night at a community center, but with more international law violations.
The IDF calls up tens of thousands of reservists—though not all report until September—giving mediators a window to work. But mediators are like substitute teachers: everyone’s just waiting them out until the real chaos resumes.
And let’s not ignore the sheer absurdity of scheduling war around seasonal availability. Imagine telling your population: “Yes, we’ll level the city, but only after Labor Day weekend. Gotta let Avi finish his timeshare week in Eilat first.”
International Condemnation Bingo
Predictably, international condemnation rolled in. The UN clutched its pearls. The EU issued its ritual “grave concern” statement. And the U.S. probably said something like, “We urge restraint,” while simultaneously signing another aid package labeled Not For Use In Offense (wink).
At this point, condemnation statements are less about influencing events and more about keeping the stationary companies that print “grave concern” in business. Entire forests have been felled to supply the paper for “deeply concerned” memos.
The Human Toll Nobody Wants to Quantify
Of course, all this satire collapses under the weight of the obvious truth: the people paying the price aren’t Netanyahu, Defrin, or Hamas leadership. It’s ordinary Palestinians who are about to be displaced again. Israel insists this is about dismantling Hamas’s “governmental and military stronghold,” but Gaza City is also home to, well, people—families, kids, shopkeepers, and everyone who doesn’t own a tunnel.
But in the parlance of geopolitics, they’re “collateral optics.” Their suffering will be tallied in the next human rights report, filed under the section everyone skips because it doesn’t affect NATO expansion or the latest U.S. election cycle.
Trump’s Cameo, Because of Course
Meanwhile, in Washington, Trump is cheerleading “security guarantees” for Ukraine while refusing to send ground troops, which is basically like promising someone protection but then clarifying you mean “thoughts and prayers.” You can picture him watching the Israel situation and muttering, “Why can’t Bibi just build a wall around Gaza?” before someone reminds him: they already did.
War as Reality Television
We should admit what this has become: war as serialized television. Think about it:
- Season One: “Shock and Awe.”
- Season Two: “Tunnels and Ceasefires.”
- Season Three: “The Gaza City Gambit.”
Each season promises new plot twists, but it’s mostly recycled footage with slightly higher stakes. The reservists are extras. The generals are showrunners. The mediators are guest stars whose contracts never get renewed. And the rest of us are hate-watching, muttering about how the writers’ room has lost the thread, but still tuning in because we can’t look away.
The Perverse Logic of Delay
One detail in all this deserves attention: Israel called up tens of thousands of reservists but announced most won’t report until September. That’s not incompetence—it’s strategy. By staggering mobilization, Israel signals that it’s serious but not too serious, giving Hamas just enough time to either regroup or blow up negotiations. Delay becomes leverage.
Hamas knows this game. They’ll claim every attack is proof they’re still relevant. Israel will use those attacks to justify deepening the offensive. The international community will wring its hands. And the cycle rolls on.
Gaza as Chessboard, Humanity as Pawns
Here’s the bitter truth: this war is less about land than it is about leverage. Gaza is a chessboard. Every ceasefire proposal, every IDF operation, every Hamas tunnel raid—it’s all moves in a larger game that doesn’t care how many pawns are sacrificed.
Israel insists it must “finish the job.” Hamas insists it will never surrender. Mediators insist that words like “framework” and “parameters” will magically stop missiles. And through it all, Gaza’s people are told they are the backdrop to someone else’s strategy session.
Why Satire Fails Here (But I’ll Do It Anyway)
Satire feels almost obscene in this context, because there’s nothing funny about displacement, airstrikes, or suicide bombings. But here’s the thing: the absurdity is real. A two-year war with no exit ramp. A “governmental stronghold” made of tunnels. Negotiations that mean nothing. Reservists called up but asked to wait until September, as though war politely observes calendar boundaries.
And that’s the tragedy: the absurdity is baked in. You don’t need me to exaggerate it. The absurdity is the system itself.
Closing: The Sting in the Tail
So here we are: Israel circling Gaza City, Hamas still clawing from underground, mediators practicing their sad puppy eyes, and international critics lining up with their thesauruses. Everyone knows where this is headed: deeper into tragedy, further from resolution, and somehow, still wrapped in the theater of “deliberation.”
War as performance art. Ceasefire as improv. Human suffering as a footnote.
And the rest of us? We’re just the audience, doomed to watch the reruns until someone finally cancels the show.