June 26, 2025 – Earth (unfortunately still here)
At approximately noon Eastern time today, a blazing fireball tore across the skies of Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee—causing brief panic, some delighted screams, and at least three Karens to yell, “Jesus is coming!” as they clutched their pearls and prayer journals.
But alas, it wasn’t the Second Coming, it wasn’t the Rapture, and it sure as hell wasn’t justice.
It was a meteor.
A big, beautiful, flaming rock.
And, in a tragic turn of events, it missed.
Locals Describe the Event:
According to the American Meteor Society, more than 100 people reported the celestial visitor. Witnesses described the object as a “massive fireball,” “an apocalyptic light,” and one man in Alabama reportedly called it “proof that the libs are messing with the weather again.”
Several people across Tennessee also heard sonic booms, which were later confirmed to be the sound of Marjorie Taylor Greene shrieking, “It’s China!” from a Bass Pro Shop parking lot.
The National Weather Service noted “seismic activity,” though no official earthquake was recorded. Translation: the Earth trembled a little but ultimately decided we weren’t worth the follow-through.
Immediate Aftermath: Disappointment and Twitter Memes
The real tragedy here isn’t property damage or fear.
It’s that the meteor… didn’t hit anything useful.
No fossil fuel lobby headquarters.
No evangelical megachurch-slash-COVID-denial-bunker.
Not even a Hobby Lobby.
Just a peaceful sky show and a wasted opportunity. Like giving Mitch McConnell a conscience for five minutes and then taking it back.
Social media was quick to respond with an appropriate blend of awe and existential frustration. Trending hashtags included:
- #MeteorPleaseTryAgain
- #TargetMarALago
- #SonicBoomNotTrump’sFlatulence
- #ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveNiceExtinctions
One viral post read:
“Meteor spotted over South. God trying to smite bigotry but misses and nails a cow pasture instead. Classic.”
Scientists Weigh In (and Immediately Regret It)
NASA issued a statement confirming it was “likely a small asteroid or large meteoroid,” to which the GOP responded with a unanimous “FAKE NEWS,” followed by a bill proposal to ban NASA from teaching evolution or cloud formation.
Meanwhile, Fox News reported it as “a radical Antifa drone strike” and suggested Kamala Harris was “somehow involved.”
At a press conference, a local Georgia man named Roy (last name withheld because even his family refuses to claim him) stated:
“I knew this day would come. This is what happens when you let drag queens read books to kids.”
Scientists are still unsure how Roy tied meteor science to drag brunches, but honestly, at this point, logic is for cowards.
A Reminder from the Cosmos (That We Promptly Ignored)
In a sane society, a giant flaming rock descending from space might be interpreted as a wake-up call. A symbolic reminder of our smallness, our fragility, our tendency to argue about Taylor Swift and Jesus while the planet literally burns.
But here in America, we just posted it to TikTok, gave it the “is it AI or Jesus?” treatment, and moved on to our regularly scheduled political dumpster fire.
A literal ball of fire from the heavens said, “Hey, y’all good?” and Earth replied, “No, but we’re too stubborn to die.”
Final Thoughts: Next Time, Aim Lower
Dear Universe,
You had one job.
We gave you so many choices.
Florida.
The Supreme Court.
Any building with “Trump” in the title.
You could’ve at least grazed Elon Musk’s ego or interrupted a Ron DeSantis press conference. But no. You just danced across the sky like a cosmic tease, gave us all a glimmer of hope… and then left us here.
To deal with more TikTok debates about what gender the meteor identifies as.
Next time, commit.
We’ll be waiting.
Mostly outside, shirtless, holding iPhones, misquoting Revelation.