In a groundbreaking act of nutritional diplomacy, former President Donald J. Trump took to social media this week to announce that Coca-Cola—yes, the same company that once snubbed him by allegedly removing Diet Coke from the White House—has finally bent the knee. According to Trump, the soda giant has agreed to replace high-fructose corn syrup with cane sugar in its U.S. products, following “very beautiful” discussions with him personally.
“I’ve done more for your pancreas than any president in history,” Trump declared on Truth Social, just before recommending Coca-Cola Classic as “a perfectly healthy beverage if you skip breakfast.”
The Real Sweetener? Ego.
While Coca-Cola has not officially confirmed any such switch, they did release a brief statement expressing “appreciation for the President’s passion,” which is corporate code for: We have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about, but let’s not poke the bear.
Sources close to the former president say the breakthrough occurred during a highly confidential Mar-a-Lago lunch, where Trump reportedly pointed at a Coke can and said, “Too much corn. Not enough class.” Minutes later, he allegedly drafted a handshake deal on a cocktail napkin using ketchup as ink.
Health Experts: “Technically…Sure?”
Nutritionists were quick to jump in with mixed reactions:
- “Cane sugar is less processed, but it’s still sugar.”
- “This won’t fix diabetes.”
- “Did we not just survive four years of this man, and now he’s regulating soda?”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters are hailing it as a triumph of the free market, wellness advocacy, and “old-fashioned American sweetness,” despite half of them still drinking Mountain Dew like it’s holy water.
Economic Impacts: Corn Lobby in Crisis
Perhaps the most dramatic fallout is on Capitol Hill, where the powerful Corn Syrup Lobby is reportedly in meltdown. One anonymous lobbyist was overheard saying, “If Trump can take down HFCS, what’s next—Big Ranch? The Mozzarella Stick Coalition?”
Rural states fear the economic consequences. Iowa is bracing for what one official called “a syrup recession.” Meanwhile, Cuba has offered to increase cane sugar exports in exchange for diplomatic relations and a subscription to Fox Nation.
Trump’s Next Targets (According to Trump)
- Replace aspartame with “something classy, like maple.”
- Declare ketchup a vegetable again “but the good kind, not the Obama kind.”
- Launch a new beverage line called “Trump Fizz”—which insiders say will taste like Red Bull filtered through gold leaf and unresolved trauma.
Final Sip
Whether or not Coca-Cola follows through, Trump has already declared victory. “Nobody’s ever fought harder for your beverages,” he said in a follow-up post. “Lincoln had slavery. I had corn syrup. History will decide which was tougher.”
As for Coca-Cola, they’ve remained diplomatically quiet, reportedly bottling their response for a later date. One thing’s for sure: in the ongoing war between sweetness and subtlety, Trump is sticking with what he knows best.
And it tastes like nostalgia, chaos, and a hint of unearned confidence.