Because Tinder is too gay, Hinge is too brown, and FarmersOnly has gone woke.
Welcome to Karentines, the only dating app curated for the spiritually constipated, emotionally barren, weaponized haircut class. Finally, a place where middle-aged entitlement meets middle school reading comprehension.
The Premise Is Simple
You swipe through candidates filtered not by compatibility, but by shared rage triggers. Tired of “pronouns in bios”? Us too. Can’t stand that the barista had blue hair and a Black Lives Matter pin? You’ll love Todd, 53, who once called the HOA on a child’s lemonade stand.
Profiles Include Helpful Info Like:
- Favorite Slur (grandfathered in from “a different time”)
- Mask Trauma Score™
- Number of Managers Requested (lifetime)
- Cop Fetish Level (mild to full handcuff)
- How Many Family Members They’ve Estranged Over Facebook Memes
Algorithms That Really Know You
Karentines doesn’t rely on “personality traits” or “values”—it uses geo-tagged Yelp reviews, HOA complaints, and which books you’ve banned from the elementary school to match you with someone equally unhinged.
Swipe right if they believe:
- Being called “ma’am” is a hate crime.
- Their childhood was ruined by other people’s pronouns.
- The real problem in America is drag brunch.
Your First Date? At a School Board Meeting
Dine under the flickering fluorescent lights of a public forum while screaming about CRT (still don’t know what it stands for) and bonding over your shared hatred of the librarian with the pride flag pin.
Bonus: You can bring the kids! Just make sure they’ve memorized at least one Bible verse and at most zero facts about slavery.
Built-in Features Include:
- 911 Shortcut
Pre-dials local law enforcement the moment someone makes you “uncomfortable,” which is to say: exists. - Manager Summoner™
Swipe down and summon a Target team lead with your grievances before you even hit the checkout line. All genders welcome, as long as they’re named Steve. - Racial Ambiguity Radar
Accurately detects whether someone looks undocumented so you can pretend it’s about “following the law” and not the brown skin. - Purse Clutch AutoSync
Detects anyone within 30 feet who isn’t white, cis, or clutching a crucifix, and reminds you to hold your Michael Kors bag tighter.
Safety First
Karentines is proudly moderated by the same team that runs Truth Social, so you’ll never be censored for saying “All Lives Matter,” misgendering teens, or insisting you don’t “see color” (unless it’s on a Target swimsuit).
All users undergo a rigorous background check:
- Must have shouted at a Starbucks employee.
- Must believe America “used to be better.”
- Must think Jesus wrote the Constitution.
But Wait, There’s More
With the premium version—Karentines Plus—you get:
- The ability to filter out anyone vaccinated.
- A list of local school plays to protest.
- Exclusive access to coupons for Hobby Lobby and tactical kneepads for storming local council meetings.
Real Testimonials
💬 “Met my now-husband while we both protested a drag queen story hour. We locked eyes over a Chick-fil-A nugget tray and knew it was real.”
– Brenda, 48, evangelical, divorced twice (but not her fault)
💬 “We bonded over our shared hatred of Meghan Markle and critical race theory. Now we share everything—Netflix, bank accounts, even our class-action suit against Disney+.”
– Gary, 56, listens to Joe Rogan ironically
Coming Soon: The Divorce Feature
Automatically files for divorce when your partner admits that maybe systemic racism exists or confesses they don’t care if a cartoon is gay. One click and your assets are frozen and your conservative podcast algorithm is restored to factory settings.
Final Thought:
If you’re tired of dating apps filled with empathy, nuance, or human dignity—Karentines is for you.
If you believe love should feel like yelling at a cashier—you’ve found your soulmate.
And if you’re worried this app might be offensive, don’t be. Just press the big red “I’M THE VICTIM” button and a certified emotional support sheriff will arrive to arrest the nearest Starbucks barista for misgendering your chai.