Because clearly, the seven previous lessons in “don’t bring extinct apex predators back to life” didn’t stick, 2025 is gifting us yet another reboot of Jurassic Park. Only this time, it’s powered by cryptocurrency, sponsored by Elon Musk’s baby’s middle name, and hosted by TikTok’s favorite paleo-influencer, @RawrXDinoQueen420.
The new park, dubbed “Jurassic Spark™: Life Finds a Paywall”, opens later this year on a re-zoned stretch of land formerly known as “a protected indigenous site” (oops). And yes, this time, it’s fully funded by venture capital bros who think they can outsmart literal evolution because they once beat a chatbot in chess.
Let’s review what’s different in this stunning new iteration of prehistoric stupidity:
1. Every Dinosaur Comes With an NFT
Want to sponsor your very own velociraptor? Now you can! For the low price of $80,000 in unregulated crypto, you too can own a non-fungible T-Rex. Warning: The digital rights do not protect you from real-life maulings.
2. Dinosaurs Are Now Genetically Engineered for TikTok Engagement
The lab team (three interns and a Ring light) have crossbred the DNA of raptors with peacocks, so now they scream, kill, and trend. They’ve even got a stegosaurus with mood lighting. One dino has a naturally occurring side part and gets PR boxes.
3. Influencers Will Be the First to Die, But Not Before Monetizing It
VIP tickets come with a GoPro helmet and pre-written caption: “literally getting eaten alive rn lol #sponsoredbyTeeth.” TikTokers will livestream their own deaths for the clout, and nobody will do anything because it’s all “part of the experience.”
4. Security Is Provided by the TSA
Because if anyone knows how to miss actual threats while making you take off your shoes, it’s them.
5. The Park’s Slogan? “Let’s See What Happens.”
That’s it. No caution. No lawyers. Just vibes. Pure, uncut hubris with a side of merch.
6. Jeff Goldblum Refused to Return Unless His Character Was Rewritten as a Lesbian AI
And honestly, good for him. Lesbian AI Chaos Theorist Dr. Ianette Malcolm has the only functional brain in the entire reboot. She spends the movie chain-smoking and muttering, “Life… finds a way to sue.”
7. The Entire Plot Is Just Capitalism on Mushrooms
The board of directors decides the park isn’t “modern” enough, so they vote to genetically engineer dinosaurs that can read QR codes and “deliver content.” What could go wrong? Oh, just a 12-foot influencer-killer hybrid called the Cloutasaurus.
8. The Park is Climate Controlled—By Texas
You’ll either melt, drown, or get flung into a tornado with a pterodactyl. No refunds.
9. There’s a Dating App Inside the Park
It’s called “Extinctr.” You swipe right on people based on their odds of surviving a dino stampede. The algorithm favors people with low empathy and no sense of self-preservation. Basically, hedge fund managers.
10. The Gift Shop Sells Trauma
T-shirts say things like: “I went to Jurassic Spark and all I got was this permanent limp.” Other souvenirs include PTSD, venomous mosquito bites, and the haunting knowledge that once again, humanity cannot learn a single goddamn thing from history.
We could have universal healthcare. We could have clean drinking water. But no. We have dinosaur reboots. Again. Because apparently extinction doesn’t apply to terrible ideas.
So come on down to Jurassic Spark™, where the Wi-Fi is unstable, the science is questionable, and the body count is—surprisingly—still less than what billionaires do to the housing market every year.
Your wristband glows when a predator’s near. Not to warn you. Just for aesthetic