The Mark of the Beast? More like the Mark of Bezos.
In a move that has conspiracy theorists foaming at the mouth and theologians nervously clutching their Kindles, Jeff Bezos has sold exactly $666 million worth of Amazon stock this week—because apparently, when you’re the world’s richest man, symbolism is just another flex.
That’s right. 927,863 shares sold.
$666,000,000 in cash.
The literal number of the beast.
Lucifer, meet Logistics.
“It’s Just a Coincidence,” Says Man Who’s Definitely Building a Volcano Lair
When asked about the eerily satanic dollar figure, Bezos chuckled while polishing a chrome globe in his orbital library and muttered something about “market liquidity” and “inevitable dominion over Earth’s supply chain.”
Totally normal billionaire stuff.
Meanwhile, an unnamed Vatican official has been spotted Googling “how to exorcise a shipping empire.”
What Can You Buy With $666 Million?
Let’s see:
- 1 moon base with Prime-exclusive launch window
- 2.5 social media platforms for laundering public opinion
- 34,947,368 dental floss subscriptions
- Or, as Bezos prefers: influence so large it doesn’t need lobbying—it ships itself
The rest of us? Still being told to “work smarter, not harder” by a guy who earns more per second than we do per fiscal quarter.
Amazon Employees Celebrate With… No Raise
Back in the real world, the workers who made that money possible are reportedly thrilled to learn that Bezos cashed out… and still has no plans to install air conditioning in the fulfillment centers.
One anonymous picker said:
“If Jeff is the Antichrist, I just hope he gives us dental. These wisdom teeth aren’t going to extract themselves.”
The Beast Has Prime
Religious scholars have weighed in, too. Some now theorize that the Book of Revelation was not warning about a beast with seven heads and ten horns—but rather, a bald man with one rocket and infinite data points.
“The mark of the beast isn’t on your hand or forehead,” said one prophecy buff. “It’s in your checkout cart.”
Final Thoughts: And on the Seventh Day, He Sold Stock
Whether or not Bezos meant to invoke apocalyptic energy, the message is clear:
The devil doesn’t wear Prada. He wears fleece vests, owns Whole Foods, and just turned the number 666 into a portfolio diversification strategy.
Blessed be the shareholders.
May your dividends rain down like fire and next-day shipping.