It’s Sunday morning, and while the evangelical right is hungover from a Saturday night of God-fearing debauchery—tequila, Tinder, and casual racism—I’m sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and writing a little sermon of my own. Not from a pulpit, but from a keyboard that doesn’t judge me for being gay, liberal, or three Reese’s deep before noon. And this week’s topic? If Jesus Christ returned today, y’all—he’d be a flaming liberal. Sorry, not sorry.
Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t believe in the man upstairs. I’m an atheist. But if we entertain the notion that Jesus is real and does make a comeback—cue the clouds parting and the Chick-fil-A drive-thru halting mid-Blessed Day greeting—he’s not going to be asking for a MAGA hat. He’s going to be turning over tables in Mar-a-Lago the same way he flipped them in the temple.
Let’s begin with the basics. The Jesus of the Bible was brown, Middle Eastern, anti-capitalist, anti-war, and pretty anti-establishment. The modern Republican Jesus™—the one featured in gun range calendars and poorly Photoshopped memes standing next to Donald Trump—bears absolutely no resemblance to the actual sandal-wearing socialist who preached love, tolerance, and feeding the poor. That guy would’ve been kicked out of CPAC for looking suspiciously like someone Fox News would label a “radical.”
Jesus healed the sick. For free. No copays. No “in-network providers.” He didn’t demand a GoFundMe for Lazarus to walk again. He didn’t say, “Have you met your deductible yet?” He just healed people. You know who else thinks healthcare is a human right? Democrats. Jesus would’ve taken one look at America’s for-profit health system and flipped more than just tables. He’d be filing a class-action lawsuit against UnitedHealthcare with the ACLU as his co-counsel.
And don’t get me started on the children. Jesus loved the little children—all of them, not just the ones with American passports. He didn’t say, “Suffer the little children… unless they’re undocumented and seeking asylum.” That was Jeff Sessions. Jesus would’ve wept at kids in cages. He would’ve marched with Moms Demand Action, held candlelight vigils, and written op-eds in The Atlantic titled “Whatsoever You Do to the Least of These, You Did to Me: A Gospel of Gun Reform.”
Let’s also not forget that Jesus fed the hungry. With loaves and fishes, sure, but if you put him in a modern kitchen with an Instant Pot and a SNAP benefits application, he’d still find a way to make sure nobody goes hungry. Compare that to today’s GOP, where a child’s school lunch debt is a bipartisan shrug and cutting food stamps is seen as “fiscal responsibility.” Jesus would’ve been at a school board meeting with a casserole and a strongly worded parable.
Oh, and taxes? That whole “render unto Caesar” line was not a Tea Party endorsement. Jesus didn’t hoard wealth. He didn’t ask for tax shelters in the Cayman Islands. He told rich people to give it all away and warned that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy man to get into heaven. That’s not trickle-down economics—that’s the spiritual version of Elizabeth Warren’s wealth tax.
And don’t even try to tell me Jesus wouldn’t support LGBTQ+ folks. He never once uttered a word about homosexuality, but he did say a hell of a lot about loving your neighbor. He hung out with sex workers, lepers, tax collectors—society’s outcasts. If Jesus were here today, he’d be officiating gay weddings, hugging trans kids banned from sports, and asking why so many Christians are obsessed with bathrooms instead of compassion.
Speaking of compassion, Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers. He didn’t say, “Blessed are the guys who cosplay as commandos on Capitol Hill while waving Confederate flags and crying about mask mandates.” He didn’t say, “Sell your cloak and buy an AR-15.” He would’ve shut down the NRA faster than he rose from the grave.
And while most of right-wing America sits in churches this morning, numbly nodding to sermons sandwiched between rants about drag queens and vaccine microchips, Jesus would be out protesting. Not in a rage-filled mob, but in calm defiance—standing arm-in-arm with immigrants, walking alongside women fighting for bodily autonomy, and sipping fair-trade coffee with climate scientists while asking, “Did y’all even read Revelation? It’s literally about ecological collapse!”
Look, I know this is a lot to swallow for those who think The Handmaid’s Tale is a “how-to” manual and believe Jesus came to Earth primarily to endorse low taxes and higher border walls. But if he came back, I don’t think he’d be giving Trump a high five. I think he’d be too busy trying to figure out why his name is being used to justify hatred, greed, and systemic oppression. Probably while flipping through cable news like, “You crucified me once, and now you’re using my name to justify denying insulin?”
Let’s be honest: Jesus would be canceled by conservatives within 48 hours of arrival. Called a woke Marxist by Fox News, labeled a deep-state psyop by QAnon, and declared a “blasphemous false messiah” by Franklin Graham between Bible verses and fundraising appeals.
In the end, it’s not about whether you believe Jesus would vote Democrat. It’s about the undeniable truth that the actual teachings of Christ—charity, humility, anti-violence, love without conditions—don’t align with the bullhorned culture war we’ve been dragged into by America’s right-wing Christian complex.
So yes, on this fine Sunday, while the GOP pews are full and their liquor cabinets are mysteriously empty, I’m here—writing the gospel according to common sense. And in this version, Jesus doesn’t walk into the Republican National Convention. He walks out of it.
With sandals, not Gucci loafers.
And with love, not loopholes.