Ah, Independence Day. That one time of year when we gather ‘round gas grills, wave flags made in China, and celebrate “freedom” by launching flaming projectiles into the nearest drought-stricken field. Because nothing screams liberty like sparklers in one hand and existential dread in the other.
We’re told it’s a patriotic tradition. But let’s call it what it really is: an annual national fire hazard with snacks.
And this year? Oh, this year is special.
Because America is already on fire—socially, politically, literally—so why not throw some TNT into the mix and call it “heritage”?
Land of the Free (As Long As You Meet the Terms and Conditions)
Let’s take a moment to remember what we’re allegedly celebrating today:
- Freedom of speech – unless you’re protesting at the wrong place, tweeting with the wrong tone, or writing a book that mentions gay penguins.
- Freedom of religion – as long as it’s Christianity (evangelical, not the love-thy-neighbor kind).
- Right to privacy – unless you’re pregnant, trans, or accidentally used your phone near a Target.
- Right to vote – assuming you have a birth certificate, a passport, three forms of ID, and can pass a spontaneous pop quiz on the Electoral College.
But sure, light that Roman candle and shout “’Murica!” while your cousin Terry sets off bottle rockets from the bed of a Ford F-150 wrapped in Punisher decals.
Because nothing says “freedom” like re-enacting Fallujah in a suburban cul-de-sac.
Celebrate America the Same Way Congress Does: By Ignoring Reality
You could spend the day reflecting on the fact that the Supreme Court just ruled presidents can commit crimes if they feel presidential enough.
You could think about how the EPA’s been gutted, queer rights are under siege, teachers are quitting in droves, the middle class is basically a memory, and climate change is currently doing donuts in your backyard.
Or…
You could get blackout drunk on gas station rosé while a Bluetooth speaker blasts Born in the U.S.A. (a song famously misunderstood by every politician who’s ever used it), and scream “FREEDOM!” as you detonate a small arsenal over a neighborhood populated by veterans and golden retrievers.
Fireworks: America’s Favorite Metaphor
Let’s talk about fireworks. They’re loud, dangerous, unregulated in the states that need them least, and half the time they backfire—just like our policies.
We spend billions blowing shit up every year on July 4th, and for what? So your uncle can scorch his lawn while yelling “I pay taxes!”? So local ERs can enjoy a spike in thumb-related casualties? So your dog develops a six-month Xanax dependency?
Meanwhile, wildfires rage, air quality plummets, and cities across the country ban open flames except when wrapped in red, white, and blue plastic. Because apparently, patriotism is fireproof.
The Founding Fathers Would Be So Proud (Or Deeply Ashamed, It’s Hard to Say)
Let’s not forget that this entire holiday is built on the premise of rejecting tyranny. You know—taxation without representation, authoritarian rule, unchecked power, religious persecution… you know, Tuesday in modern America.
We declared independence from a king, and 248 years later we’re actively trying to elect one again—this time with merch.
The Founders didn’t fight for the right to watch a gender reveal explode a forest. They fought for a democracy that’s now being slow-roasted by gerrymandering, dark money, and Supreme Court cosplay.
But sure, tell me more about how “the libs hate America” while holding a Bud Light with an eagle on it and complaining that Target has too many rainbows.
Your 4th of July Checklist:
✅ Shout “freedom” while voting to ban books
✅ Set off fireworks while the sky’s already full of smoke
✅ Grill meat while complaining about inflation
✅ Drink cheap beer while ignoring poisoned water in Flint
✅ Post a flag while your kid’s school is out of paper towels
✅ Watch fireworks while Congress takes away your rights with a Sharpie and a smile
Because that’s the new American way:
Distraction as democracy dies.
Final Thoughts: America, But Make It Arson
So yes, Happy Fourth of July.
Celebrate.
Cheer.
Ignite your lawn.
Smoke out your neighbors.
Pretend everything’s fine.
Just remember: we’re not burning down the old systems of injustice anymore—we’re just burning, full stop.
America’s on fire.
Not metaphorically. Not symbolically.
Literally.
So why not lean in?
Toss a match.
Strike a fuse.
Aim a rocket at the night sky and shout,
“Let freedom smolder!”