Let’s be clear right off the bat: this isn’t some tweed-jacketed seminar on 19th-century civics, nor is it a loving tribute to parchment, powdered wigs, or that one guy in the background of Hamilton who died before intermission. This is a confused, exhausted, deeply sarcastic look at how the party that once freed enslaved people and preserved the Union is now cosplaying as a cult for a man who once got fired from The Apprentice and then tried to rehire himself using Twitter and rage.
I was born and raised in Texas—Republican red, God-fearing, truck-bed gospel Texas. I know the culture. I survived it. But I never subscribed to the newsletter. My compass has always pointed leftward, usually while flipping off a church sign or a Fox News segment. And yet, even I’m baffled by the complete ideological faceplant that is the modern GOP.
The Party of Lincoln (™): Now Brought to You by Spray Tan and Perjury
Let’s trace the evolution—no wait, sorry, they don’t believe in that either. Let’s trace the intelligent design of this Frankensteinian transformation.
1. From Emancipation to Deportation
Then: Abraham Lincoln, the tall guy in the hat, literally fought a war to free human beings and hold the country together.
Now: The party would like to deport your neighbor, wall off your cousin, and force asylum seekers to give birth in cages. “Freedom” now means making sure the wrong kind of people don’t get any. Emancipation has been downgraded to “Get out and stay out,” brought to you by MAGA™.
2. From Limited Government to Unlimited Power for Daddy
Then: Conservatives used to whisper sweet nothings about small government and local control. States’ rights were their love language.
Now: They’re out here defending presidential immunity like it’s a kink. Checks and balances? Cute. Those were scrapped sometime between the third indictment and the fourth fundraising email that began with, “I’m being persecuted like Jesus.”
They don’t want small government. They want one very large, very orange executive branch with zero consequences and a golden toilet.
3. From Fiscal Conservatism to ‘Venmo Me Another Billion’
Then: The GOP stood for budgets tighter than a Duggar family schedule.
Now: They blow up the deficit with tax cuts for billionaires and then cry socialism when poor kids ask for lunch. They’re allergic to feeding hungry families, but will write blank checks for golf-course bailouts and failed banks faster than you can say “trickle down was a scam.”
4. From Environmental Protection to ‘What If We Just Set the Forest on Fire Ourselves?’
Then: Teddy Roosevelt protected national parks. Nixon gave us the EPA. Yes, Nixon.
Now: Climate change is “liberal hysteria,” science is “suspicious,” and oil lobbyists are writing energy policy between rounds of skeet shooting. They think melting ice caps are just a liberal excuse to buy more fans.
5. From Moral Authority to ‘Yes, But the Porn Star Didn’t Use Protection’
Then: Republicans were the self-declared party of moral values. Adultery? Divorce? Lying under oath? Dealbreakers.
Now: They’ve traded “family values” for a golden calf that can’t spell “Bible.” They used to burn books. Now they just misquote them. The man they lionize has five kids, three wives, two impeachments, and one deep-fried ego—and somehow still gets standing ovations in churches that used to shun divorced women for wearing pants.
As someone who was told by Republicans that I was going to hell for being gay, I cannot express how fun it is to watch them defend this man in the name of morality. You either have values or you have a grudge, and they’ve clearly made their choice.
6. From Party Platform to Cult Performance Art
The modern GOP doesn’t have a platform. They have a mood board: flags, fear, and enough grievance to fill a conspiracy-themed escape room. Policy has been replaced by vibes. “What does the party stand for?” Depends on what Trump tweeted this morning. They could have replaced their 2020 platform with a GIF of a bald eagle doing a keg stand and saved everyone the reading time.
7. Fealty > Philosophy
You can’t just be conservative anymore. You have to pledge eternal devotion to one man—publicly, loudly, and without blinking. Dissenters are branded as RINOs and sent to the same political graveyard as Liz Cheney, John McCain, and any remaining shred of integrity.
There’s no room for nuance, complexity, or actual thought—just rage bait, merch drops, and trial dates.
8. The GOP’s Favorite Hobby: Projection
They say the Left is indoctrinating your kids. Meanwhile, they’re banning books and teaching slavery as “involuntary relocation.” They claim the Left censors speech, then try to jail librarians. They scream about election integrity while trying to overturn results with vibes and Sharpies.
It’s like watching someone set your house on fire and then sue you for not having insurance fast enough.
In Conclusion: Is This Hell or Just a CPAC Panel?
This isn’t a political party anymore. It’s a theme park where the rides are powered by outrage, the churros are dipped in resentment, and the animatronics are just indicted ex-Cabinet members on bail.
As someone who grew up surrounded by Republican tradition—but never hypnotized by it—I find this all less tragic and more… absurdly, horrifyingly on-brand for a nation that let reality TV become its political pipeline. Lincoln must be clawing through his tomb like, “You replaced me with a man who tried to buy Greenland?”
But here we are. The Party of Lincoln now belongs to a man who couldn’t pass the citizenship test with the answers taped to his hand. And that, my friends, is not a tragedy. It’s a farce that thinks it’s a revolution.