Well, folks, we’ve done it. We’ve hit the five-month mark of the second Trump presidency, and let me just say: what an overachiever. Most administrations take years to reach full authoritarian collapse, but this one? We’re talking collapse by Memorial Day. If this presidency were a movie, it’d be Mad Max: Mar-a-Lago.
Let’s start with the warm and fuzzy stuff. Trump’s first big act of compassion? Kicking 300,000 children off school lunch programs and letting them starve like Dickensian orphans while Melania reposted keto recipes. If you listen closely, you can almost hear the Statue of Liberty sobbing into a bag of expired USDA cheese.
Not to be outdone by past presidents who cautiously entered wars after months of debate, Trump went full YOLO and jump-started a new war with Iran after accidentally “liking” a meme that said, “Nuke first, ask questions never.” It’s going great, by the way—gas prices are now sold by the milliliter, and the Selective Service app just reactivated with a push notification that reads, “LOL. Good luck.”
Meanwhile, Ukraine and Europe were ghosted harder than a Hinge match who mentions communism. NATO? More like “Not A Thing, Officially,” because Trump pulled the plug faster than he fires staffers with restraining orders. Ukraine’s now a footnote, Europe’s practicing French, and Putin? He’s just sitting in a throne made of Facebook passwords, smiling.
Speaking of friendship bracelets, Trump’s making sure his billionaire buddies feel the love. His economic plan—if you can call Monopoly money and vibes a plan—is to orchestrate the largest wealth transfer to the 1% in history. Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, SNAP? Slashed like a horror movie victim on prom night. But don’t worry—Billionaire Tax Break Trickledown Edition is here, and if you squint hard enough, maybe a yacht will fall on you.
And remember our national parks? Neither does Trump. He’s currently selling them to mining companies in exchange for NFTs and a slab of Trump-branded granite. Yellowstone is now “PatriotLand™,” brought to you by ExxonMobil, with bison-themed roller coasters and no clean water in sight.
In Gaza, he’s proposing “Trump Gaza”—a theme park-slash-occupation zone with gold-plated tanks and a falafel stand run by Eric. It’s got all the charm of a military crime scene with the ambiance of a casino bathroom. This is what happens when you hand foreign policy to someone who thinks Risk is a documentary.
Oh, and did you catch the Qatar jet incident? Trump took a private jet from a Gulf state like it was a Lyft ride, then claimed he didn’t know who paid for it. Somewhere, the Emoluments Clause died quietly in its sleep.
Meanwhile, the administration let DOGE—the joke cryptocurrency literally named after a dog—run data infrastructure security. Yes, your bank account was likely compromised by a blockchain meme coin. Elon called it “fun,” and Trump just nodded between bites of ketchup-covered steak.
And because everything’s fine, Trump deployed the Armed Forces on U.S. soil. Not during a natural disaster or zombie outbreak—but because someone graffiti’d his name wrong on a Starbucks cup. And in case that wasn’t enough fascist flair, he sent anonymous, masked, armed agents into U.S. cities to “maintain order.” Their training video? Probably The Purge with a live Q&A from Steve Bannon.
Then there’s the constitutional buffet he’s been eating through like a rabid raccoon. He’s now actively trying to eliminate habeas corpus and Posse Comitatus, which is just a fancy way of saying “no trial and full military dictatorship, please.” Somewhere, Thomas Jefferson just flung himself off a ghost balcony.
But wait—there’s more! He humiliated the U.S. military by forcing a birthday parade in his own honor, complete with soldiers in MAGA hats lip-syncing Kid Rock songs. The Pentagon is still recovering from the collective cringe.
In case that wasn’t enough for one term’s appetizer sampler, we’ve now got a drunk, twice-accused rapist Fox News host overseeing the world’s deadliest arsenal, and a possibly Russian-compromised former cult member running national intelligence. No worries. I feel super safe. My survival plan is to hide under a weighted blanket and pretend I’m Canadian.
Science? Gone. The scientific and research community has been defunded into extinction, unless your research proves that God wants you to drill oil through a glacier. Vaccine protections are being rolled back, because nothing screams “healthcare innovation” like measles making a comeback tour.
Also in the crosshairs: education. The administration is trying to destroy the Department of Education and public universities, mostly because educated people keep calling Trump what he is: a tax-evading, Bible-waving, orange-tinted rage gnome.
And what about the First Amendment? He’s been attacking the free press and free speech like it’s a piñata full of subpoenas. Journalists have been arrested, publications threatened, and satire blogs (hi!) are probably next.
Meanwhile, separation of church and state is hanging by a thread. Trump’s latest executive order might as well say, “In God We Legislate,” with prayer breaks mandatory and Satanic Panic back in vogue. I now measure time by how often Lauren Boebert yells “revival” during policy meetings.
In a truly stunning flex of banana republic energy, a mayor, a Congresswoman, a judge, and a union leader have all been arrested, mostly for crimes like “being annoying” or “having eyebrows Trump didn’t like.” We’re not sure what the charges are, but they probably rhyme with “tyranny.”
And perhaps most dystopian of all? A sitting U.S. Senator was violently detained by security forces for asking a question. Not yelling. Not protesting. Just asking. This is what happens when democracy gets filtered through a reality TV lens and ends up looking like The Handmaid’s Apprentice: White House Edition.
So here we are—five months in. Hungry kids, foreign wars, broken treaties, military cosplay, crypto dog theft, fascist legal reforms, and a governing body that could not pass a high school civics exam if their lives depended on it. Which, frankly, they might.