Donald Trump recently declared that he “deserves” the Nobel Peace Prize. Because nothing says ambassador of peace like inciting a coup, cozying up to dictators, and trying to nuke a hurricane. But hey, if we’re handing out global honors like party favors, why stop there? Let’s give the man all the awards—actual, prestigious, internationally recognized trophies—for doing the absolute least, with the absolute most confidence.
1. The Oscar for Best Actor in a Lead Role (as Himself)
No one has committed to a character quite like Donald Trump has to “Donald Trump.” He’s been playing the role of self-made billionaire, religious conservative, and working-class hero for decades, and somehow people still buy it. The Academy has never seen such consistent delusion and improvisational gaslighting—it’s a performance for the ages.
2. The Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album
Sure, Obama won for his audiobooks—but Trump deserves the Grammy for unintelligible rambling caught on hot mic. Whether it’s “covfefe,” “oranges” instead of “origins,” or that weird slurred Fourth of July speech, he’s revolutionized the English language through sheer brute force. It’s less poetry and more chaotic incantation, but damn if it doesn’t have a beat.
3. The Tony Award for Best Musical (Book, Lyrics, and Narcissism by Trump)
He’s already got the choreography: tiny hand flourishes, exaggerated mouth movements, and dramatic exits. The musical writes itself: Mar-a-Lagone: The Patriotic Opera Nobody Asked For. Full of rants, riffs, wardrobe malfunctions, and supporting characters like Giuliani in drag—it’s Broadway, but make it C-SPAN after three Four Lokos.
4. The Pulitzer Prize for Fiction
For services to imaginary greatness. He’s claimed to have solved the opioid crisis, balanced the budget, rebuilt the military, invented the vaccine, and stopped a war using only his good vibes. If fantasy were currency, Trump would be richer than Elon Musk claims to be.
5. The Nobel Prize in Literature (for Tweets Alone)
Short, sharp, delusional, and frequently misspelled—Trump’s tweets are like Hemingway if Hemingway had a concussion. There’s a rhythm to them, a bizarre cadence that makes you laugh, cry, and wonder if the nuclear codes were actually safe. They may not be good, but they’re unmistakably his, like if a Sharpie had access to the internet.
6. The MTV VMA for Best Feud
Kanye vs. Taylor? Child’s play. Trump vs. Democracy has been a multi-season arc with escalating stakes and increasingly unhinged plot twists. The burnouts, the betrayals, the tantrums—he’s basically the Real Housewives of Washington, just with more subpoenas and fewer extensions.
7. The Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series (White House Years)
No soap opera has matched the drama, chaos, and bad acting of the Trump administration. Leaks, firings, surprise indictments, and that unforgettable plot twist where he said “I take no responsibility at all.” Cliffhanger endings, gaslighting flashbacks, and constant plot holes make it a binge-worthy disaster.
8. The Razzie for Worst Picture (of the Union)
No one has done more to destroy the American image—literally and figuratively. Trump deserves a Razzie for his complete desecration of how a president should look, act, speak, and wear foundation. Special recognition for lighting disasters, sweat-stained speeches, and that time he stood in front of a church holding a Bible like it was a haunted briefcase.
9. The James Beard Award for Culinary Crimes Against Humanity
Who else would think “well done steak with ketchup” is a personality trait? The man has the palette of a 7-year-old who just got grounded. He’s the only world leader whose idea of fine dining includes Diet Coke buttons and Filet-O-Fish.
10. The ESPY for Best Dodge (of Any and All Accountability)
Whether it’s draft dodging, tax returns, subpoenas, or taking responsibility for January 6, Trump is a world-class evader. His agility in avoiding consequences should qualify him for the Olympics. It’s less “American Ninja Warrior” and more “American Laws? Never Heard of Her.”
11. The Clio Award for Advertising (Cult Edition)
Nobody has branded authoritarianism quite like Trump. MAGA is less a political slogan and more a fast-food chain crossed with a pyramid scheme. His merch line is basically Hot Topic for fascists—impressive, in a horrifying kind of way.
12. The Kids’ Choice Lifetime Achievement Award (in Bullying)
He body-shames, mocks disabilities, calls women “nasty,” and gave opponents degrading nicknames like it’s a middle school locker room. If toxic masculinity were a sport, he’d have retired undefeated. Slime him not as punishment—but as tradition.
13. The Guinness World Record for Most Lawsuits Filed While Claiming to Hate Lawyers
He’s sued everyone from news outlets to cities to entire voting systems. His legal bills have legal bills. Somewhere in a hidden Mar-a-Lago vault, there’s probably a trophy labeled “Most Petty Litigant, 2016–Infinity.”
Trump may never get the actual Nobel Peace Prize—but he could absolutely sweep the satire awards circuit. From Razzies to Grammys to Pulitzers for fiction, he’s the first president who’s managed to fail upward into every genre at once. A real-life parody with golden toilets and a goldfish memory, he’s not just a man—he’s an entire awards season disaster reel.
And if he ever loses? He’ll say the trophies were rigged.