In a surprising twist that briefly restored Americans’ ability to exhale through both nostrils, a federal judge has halted the portion of Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” that aimed to defund Planned Parenthood, citing minor technicalities like the Constitution and reality.
The move comes after weeks of confusion in which lawmakers insisted the bill would protect freedom—while simultaneously revoking it from anyone with a uterus.
The Bill in Question
The “Big Beautiful Bill”—Trump’s self-described “most incredible piece of legislation since Moses came down with the tablets”—proposed massive tax cuts for billionaires, mandatory national flag-kissing ceremonies, and, tucked neatly in Section 239: the complete elimination of federal funds for Planned Parenthood.
The justification?
Trump claimed, “They were doing abortions at breakfast. I heard that from someone who heard it from someone very close to the medical fridge.”
The Court Ruling: “Absolutely Not”
In a strongly worded decision that probably gave Trump hives, U.S. District Judge Karen Delgado wrote:
“Healthcare access is not a partisan issue—it is a constitutional one. This provision is not only unlawful, it is unserious. It appears to have been drafted by someone whose last interaction with healthcare was a WebMD search for ‘deep state flu.’”
She added that any attempt to use federal legislation as a “personal vendetta against reproductive care” would be considered, legally speaking, “a temper tantrum in bill form.”
Trump Responds on Truth Social
Never one to take rejection quietly, Trump posted:
“The Radical Left Judge—probably Antifa—has BLOCKED the People’s Bill. They want to let Planned ParentHOOD continue giving out abortions like Halloween candy. DISGUSTING. Big mistake. I will appeal. I will appeal so hard. The hardest anyone has appealed. Ever.”
He then called for an emergency Truth poll on whether the judicial branch should be “optional.”
Planned Parenthood Responds
A spokesperson simply said,
“We’ll continue doing what we’ve always done: provide cancer screenings, STI testing, contraception, and comprehensive care. Also—abortion is still legal, just FYI.”
Then they lit a candle and returned to helping actual human beings.
Final Thoughts
While the bill is far from dead, this judicial ruling has at least paused the war on reproductive healthcare long enough for people to read the fine print—like the part where it allocated $10 million for “Abstinence-Themed Fireworks in Texas.”
For now, Planned Parenthood still exists. Judges still read. And the Big Beautiful Bill may have to go back to the Big Beautiful Drawing Board.
Somewhere, in the distance, the Constitution whispers:
“Nice try, but no.”