Breaking news out of Washington, D.C.: The CDC has formed a bold new advisory panel to take a “fresh, vibes-based look” at the childhood vaccination schedule. Their mission? To make public health decisions with the scientific rigor of a YouTube wellness guru doing a liver cleanse in Sedona.
Led by chairwoman Karen DeLaVax, whose credentials include three essential oils certificates and a 90-minute webinar hosted by her cousin Trent, the panel insists they’re not anti-vaccine—they’re just *pro-*asking questions no one asked and demanding answers no one medically qualified would give.
“We just feel like maybe we’ve been too… reliant on ‘science’ and ‘experts’ and ‘disease prevention,’” said DeLaVax, gently fanning herself with a flyer from her chiropractor. “What if instead of blindly trusting decades of peer-reviewed data, we created a schedule based on gut instinct, childhood trauma, and what the moon is doing that week?”
The panel’s early proposals include:
- Replacing the MMR vaccine with M&Ms and Reiki.
- Delaying all shots until Mercury is out of retrograde.
- Administering vaccines only after consulting with the family’s most spiritually attuned dog.
- Offering an “energetic detox” from all previous science-based care via cupping and rage yoga.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, when reached for comment, simply exhaled slowly, walked into the ocean, and has not been seen since.
In their first public meeting, the panel announced it would crowdsource medical policy by reviewing 200,000 angry Facebook comments, 40,000 TikToks by people named “Wellness Witch Crystal,” and an anonymous email that read simply, “My cousin got vaccinated and now his aura is off.”
One member, Brad—who described himself as “a sovereign being of light with a side hustle in crypto”—said, “This is about freedom. Children should have the freedom to experience natural polio. It builds character.”
When asked about rising measles cases, the panel assured reporters they would be handled by “group prayer and diffusing lemongrass essential oil in government buildings.”
The revised vaccination schedule is expected to be released on parchment paper via a press release taped to a crystal grid in Sedona. Until then, the CDC recommends everyone take two tablespoons of echinacea, unfriend anyone with medical degrees, and scream “DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH” into a mason jar during each full moon.
America: where science is a suggestion and measles are vintage.