In a bold display of cost-cutting patriotism, the Senate has advanced President Trump’s request to trim a casual $9 billion off the federal budget—a move that mostly affects programs you didn’t realize were saving lives until yesterday’s headlines told you they might vanish.
Among the financial casualties: foreign aid, public broadcasting, and—because irony is apparently policy now—a potential $400 million slash to PEPFAR, the U.S. program that’s been fighting HIV/AIDS worldwide since 2003. Because nothing says “America First” like pulling the plug on global survival initiatives with a proven track record.
A Budget Cut So Sharp It Might Need a Tetanus Shot
Let’s break it down:
- Public broadcasting? Gone. Who needs educational programming when there’s YouTube and five different Duck Dynasty spinoffs?
- Foreign aid? Bye. Let those other countries bootstrap their own malaria nets.
- PEPFAR? Currently dangling over a cliff while the Senate debates whether saving millions of lives annually is a bit too generous.
Supporters of the cuts say it’s time to “tighten the belt.” Which is rich coming from the same folks who just approved a new defense spending increase large enough to fund universal pre-K, four Mars landings, and a Chick-fil-A in every congressional restroom.
Meanwhile, in Judicial Whack-a-Mole…
While they were at it, the Senate also considered a judicial nominee accused of suggesting the executive branch should… wait for it… defy court orders. A bold legal theory previously tested only in superhero films and banana republics.
But don’t worry! The nominee reportedly clarified that he meant “only the unconstitutional orders,” which is a lot like saying you only ignore the fire alarm if you’re sure it’s a metaphor.
Democrats: “Could We Not?”
In a rare moment of organizational memory, Democrats pushed back against the proposed cuts, reminding everyone that:
- HIV still exists
- Public broadcasting isn’t just for tote bags
- And courts only work if we pretend the rulings mean something
Of course, Republicans argued that “real fiscal responsibility” requires sacrifices. Preferably sacrifices made by poor people, marginalized groups, and anyone who’s ever relied on a PBS tote bag for moral support.
Coming Soon: Victory Through Austerity™
If the plan holds, we may soon be able to celebrate:
- Record military spending
- A return to 2004-era global health despair
- And absolutely no more Oscar-nominated documentaries about climate change
So chin up, America.
We’re gutting the budget, flirting with lawlessness, and pretending it’s all in the name of freedom.
After all, nothing says fiscal prudence like cutting HIV funding while spending $200,000 to repaint a fighter jet in “Trump Force One” red.
God bless the United States of Selective Priorities.