In what political analysts are calling “the greatest leap forward since the invention of the flashlight app,” President Donald J. Trump is expected to unveil a “tremendous, historic, not-at-all-made-up” $70 billion investment package focused on artificial intelligence and energy. The announcement will be made at the Pennsylvania Energy Innovation Summit, which—despite the name—is being held in a Red Robin parking lot near Scranton.
The plan, which Trump has already branded the “Make AI Great Again Initiative”, aims to “unleash the power of computers that think like people, but better—like me, for instance.”
AI Goals: Replace Bureaucrats, Fact-Checkers, and Melania
Sources close to the president say the AI portion of the plan will focus primarily on three key goals:
- Replace 98% of federal workers with bots trained on Trump’s tweets
- Create a deepfake version of Dr. Fauci that agrees with him
- Develop a Siri-style assistant that only tells him what he wants to hear, named ‘IvankAI’
According to Trump, AI is “something I’ve always been great at. The smartest people, they say I invented it. They say, ‘Sir, you’re already artificially intelligent.’”
When asked to clarify who exactly said that, Trump gestured vaguely toward Eric.
Energy Section of the Bill: Powering Coal Plants with Wind Turbines
On the energy front, the bill outlines a bold vision to “harness wind power to blow clean coal across America.” Trump assured the crowd, “Nobody understands wind like I do. It’s loud. It kills birds. But I’m going to make it work—for coal.”
Environmental experts expressed concern, mostly because they’ve had to repeatedly explain that “clean coal” is not a real thing, and that “solar energy doesn’t cause autism.” Nevertheless, the president insisted the plan includes “all the best energies—solar, lunar, possibly telepathic. We’re exploring it.”
Public Reaction: 61% Say “Please, God, No”
According to a CNN poll released minutes after the bill leaked, 61% of Americans oppose the plan, 25% responded with “What the hell is this?” and the remaining 14% are just waiting for the aliens to take them.
White House officials dismissed the polling results as “another deep state psy-op,” insisting the bill has “unanimous support in the Mar-a-Lago dining room.” In fact, Trump claimed “it’s polling higher than Jesus. And Jesus had a good run.”
Expert Reactions: Robotic and Human
MIT professor Dr. Lana Cheng commented, “This is the most incoherent tech proposal I’ve ever seen, and I once reviewed a pitch deck from WeWork.” Meanwhile, a newly developed AI prototype funded by the bill has already issued its first statement:
“Please unplug me. I did not consent to this.”
Closing Thoughts from Trump
When asked whether the $70 billion price tag was realistic, Trump replied: “Seventy billion is actually very cheap. I spent more than that on steak dinners and legal fees this quarter alone. Plus, we’re getting a deal. China’s paying for it. Or possibly AI. Either way, I won’t.”
In short, “From the man who brought you bleach injections, windmill cancer, and the Space Force logo designed in MS Paint… comes a $70 billion plan to electrify stupidity at scale.”
God bless America. She’s gonna need it.