The cursor blinks, a silent pulse on the screen, just as it did a year ago when I first dared to set these thoughts free into the vast expanse of the digital world. One full year. One complete revolution around the sun, chronicled here, within the pages of this very blog. What began as a tentative step, a quiet need to articulate the swirling currents of my mind, has blossomed into an invaluable companion, a testament to resilience, and a living archive of a year that has proven both brutally challenging and profoundly beautiful. My memory traces the path, marking the indelible imprints left by each sunrise and each unexpected storm.
This past year, meticulously documented within these digital pages, has been an odyssey. It has been a testament to the raw, unfiltered truth of life’s unpredictable nature: its capacity for immense joy, its brutal lessons in loss, and its astonishing ability to forge strength from the very crucible of adversity. As I look back, reflecting on every post, every shared vulnerability, every exploration of self and society, a powerful tapestry of transformation unfolds.
The Unveiling: Confronting Shadows, Embracing Truth
When I first began this blog, I carried the quiet weight of recent heartbreaks and the profound shifts ignited by my cancer diagnosis in 2022. The early posts served as a raw, honest chronicle of that journey: navigating the debilitating realities of oral chemotherapy, its relentless nausea, the pervasive pain, and the jarring personal impact of losing my hair. I wrote about the unsettling news of my tumor’s 200% growth—a terrifying setback that brought immediate alarm—and the courage it took to face intensified treatment. This blog became a space to articulate the invisible battles, to demystify the medical ordeal, and to find a voice for experiences that are often privately endured.
Beyond the physical, I delved into the enduring echoes of childhood trauma. I spoke with unflinching honesty about the complexities of my genesis, born from sexual assault, and the subsequent layers of abandonment. My weight struggles, culminating in a gastric bypass at 17, and the subsequent skin removal surgery, were laid bare—a testament to a physical transformation that often outpaced emotional healing and the lingering reality of body dysmorphia. I wrote about the devastating pain of being outed at 15, the horror of a “pray the gay away” camp where I endured sexual assault, and the profound familial rejection that left me kicked out at 16, navigating the brutal reality of couch surfing. These narratives, painful as they were to revisit, became acts of profound self-reclamation, transforming deep wounds into sources of hard-won wisdom.
This blog was, and remains, a space for that radical self-acceptance. I explored the uncomfortable truth that sometimes I’m the problem—a raw acknowledgment of my own ingrained trauma responses, learned in toxic relationships, and the ongoing work required to cultivate healthier patterns of interaction. It’s an ongoing journey of confronting my own imperfections and striving for personal growth.
The Seeking: Journeys Inward and Outward
Amidst this intense personal excavation, a new imperative began to guide my steps: to live, to explore, to experience. My cancer diagnosis profoundly underscored life’s brevity, propelling me to prioritize experiences, self-care, and true connection. This led to a series of physical and emotional journeys, each documented here, shaping my expanding perspective.
- The Solo Sojourn to Hawaii: In early October, still navigating the personal heartbreak of my 40th birthday, I embarked on a solo trip to Hawaii. This wasn’t just a vacation; it was a deliberate act of self-reclamation, a test of my own resilience in solitude. I detailed each day: the tranquil beauty of Waikiki, the breathtaking sunrise at Lanikai Beach, the poignant magic of a rainbow at Makapu’u Lookout, exploring Makapu’u Point and Waimanalo Beach, and venturing through Kailua. I revisited the Nu’uanu Pali Lookout, hiked the Manoa Falls Trail, experienced the Aloha Stadium Swap Meet, and absorbed the solemn history of Pearl Harbor National Memorial and Hawaii’s Plantation Village. The Pillbox Hiking Trail became a therapeutic ascent where I cried, laughed, and embraced my enduring strength, reflecting on my motto: “Eat. Gay. Love myself.” I was on a different beach every morning, in bed by dusk, fully present, without drinking—a period of intense recuperation and memory-making. It was beautiful, but I ached for someone to share it with.
- The Cross-Country Odyssey: This longing for shared experience found its answer. My connection with Matthew, the “blue-eyed bandit” who has become the profound love of my life, began to blossom. His entry into my world initiated a series of joyful shared journeys. Our epic eight-day road trip across the U.S. with Shelby (my best friend and rock) and Melissa (my high school friend and foundational support) was a highlight. I chronicled our adventures: the awe-inspiring Grand Canyon, the glittering chaos of Las Vegas (including a visit to Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant and a guilty pleasure stop at White Castle!), and the grueling drive to Fort Bragg through a winter storm and past the surreal Uranus Fudge Factory. We explored the majestic Redwood Forest (Melissa’s bucket list item), wound our way down scenic Pacific Coast Highway 1 through California’s wine country (Windsor), and experienced the vibrant city of San Francisco. The magic of reclaiming Sausalito, the dazzling Golden Gate Bridge, the intimate dinner at Fino Ristorante, and Matthew’s first oysters—these moments of shared joy healed old wounds. We continued down the coast through Los Angeles, hitting Santa Monica Pier, Venice Beach, West Hollywood, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Strip, The Witch’s House, Hollywood Boulevard, and the Hollywood Sign, before reaching San Diego and the awe-inspiring San Diego Zoo.
The Growing Light: Love, Community, and Purpose
This past year has been one of immense personal growth, fueled by the love and unwavering support of my cherished chosen family and the profound connection with Matthew.
- Finding Matthew: He is everything I never thought I’d find—a partner who makes me smile every single day, lifts me up, holds me tight, and brings laughter exactly when I need it. He inspires me to be my best self, a motivation I’ve never known before. Our love, celebrated publicly (even in Texas!), has become a powerful act of resistance. His family’s warm acceptance has only deepened my contentment.
- The Unbreakable Bonds: My chosen family—Shelby, Melissa, Keke, Tasi, Kristy, Mary Anne, John, Selena, and Cassie from work—have been an unwavering bedrock. They are the friends who make me laugh when I want to cry, who reach out, who offer support without expectation. Their love has proven that relationships are not merely situational; they are foundational, built on trust and mutual care.
- Professional Transitions: The unexpected news of my job loss in San Francisco, with the hotels sold and my team disbanded, was a significant blow. Yet, even that hardship has been navigated with resilience, buoyed by the support of my network and the exciting prospect of Matthew moving to Austin. This shift is now an opportunity to seek a professional path more aligned with my evolving values.
Reflections from the Summit: Wisdom Forged in Fire
Through this extraordinary year, several truths have crystallized, now guiding my way forward:
- Resilience is a Quiet Superpower: I’ve learned that even a “cockroach,” unwanted but able to survive anything, carries an inherent strength. My journey from profound childhood trauma, physical abuse, familial abandonment, and cancer has forged an unbreakable spirit.
- Joy is an Act of Resistance: In a world that often seeks to diminish marginalized lives, choosing authentic happiness, living openly, and embracing love is a radical political statement.
- Authenticity is Paramount: Shedding facades, embracing flaws, and living genuinely is the only path to true peace and profound connection.
- Empathy & Boundaries are Essential: My RN background instilled deep empathy, but personal experience taught me the absolute necessity of firm boundaries to protect my peace.
- The Power of Chosen Family: True kinship isn’t always dictated by blood; it’s forged in unwavering support and unconditional love, forming unbreakable bonds.
- Growth is an Ongoing Process: My past trauma still echoes (leading to anxiety, hypervigilance, and struggles with feeling “the problem”), but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward conscious healing and building healthier dynamics. My journey with weight and body dysmorphia (despite gastric bypass) is a constant, personal battle for self-acceptance.
- The Nuance of Truth: Whether it’s dissecting political theater, media bias, or the complex layers of human relationships, I seek to understand beyond the surface, recognizing that reality is often far more intricate than it appears.
This past year, meticulously documented here, has been a testament to the profound capacity for human transformation. It has been a year of profound challenge, immense growth, and the breathtaking discovery that even after profound losses, love can blossom, purpose can emerge, and the future can shine with a radiance once unimaginable. This blog is my ongoing chronicle, a testament to living fully, authentically, and with unyielding gratitude.