So you’ve just been told you’re going to hell. Again. Maybe for being gay, or getting divorced, or shopping at Target. And the person telling you this? Well, they’re quoting Leviticus while double-fisting bacon-wrapped shrimp and wearing a polyester American flag tank top that says “Jesus Is My Savior, Trump Is My President.”
Let’s take a step back and really unpack this. Not for salvation — that ship sailed after your second tattoo — but for entertainment. Because, if we’re being honest, most modern Christians follow the Bible like it’s a Cheesecake Factory menu: way too long, confusingly organized, and mostly ignored in favor of whatever sounds good in the moment.
Welcome to your Unofficial (and Unfollowed) Christian Rulebook:
1. Don’t Eat Bacon or Shrimp. Ever.
Leviticus 11 calls pork and shellfish “unclean.” So next time you see someone shaming trans kids on Facebook while posting brunch pics of their bacon-avocado omelet, just know they’re one crunchy shrimp away from eternal damnation.
2. No Mixed Fabrics.
Leviticus 19:19 forbids wearing clothes made from more than one material. Polyester-blend yoga pants? Straight to hell. That American flag bathing suit from Walmart? Abomination chic.
3. No Tattoos.
Leviticus 19:28: “Do not mark your skin with tattoos.” Unless, of course, it’s a cross, a lion with a crown, or the word “forgiven” in a font only Jesus can read. Then it’s just “testimony ink.”
4. Don’t Touch a Woman on Her Period.
Leviticus 15 says she’s unclean and anyone who touches her is unclean. So unless you’re treating every menstruating woman like a radioactive waste site for 7 days, maybe stop quoting Leviticus at queer people.
5. Don’t Trim Your Beard or Sideburns.
Leviticus 19:27: shaving your beard or trimming your sideburns is sinful. That means every clean-shaven youth pastor with a man bun is basically spitting in Moses’ face.
6. Don’t Eat Rare Steak.
Leviticus 17:10–14 bans consuming blood, so that medium-rare ribeye you prayed over before devouring? Biblically, that’s a sin sandwich with a side of damnation jus.
7. Stone Your Disobedient Children.
Deuteronomy 21:18-21. Little Timmy threw a tantrum in Target? Grab your rocks. (But not on Sunday — we’ll get to that.)
8. Kill Anyone Who Works on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 says working on the Sabbath deserves death. So if you’re posting “Jesus is King” while hitting Chick-fil-A on a Saturday shift or grocery shopping on Sunday, well… let’s just say your hypocrisy is buy-one-get-one-free.
9. No Gossip.
Proverbs 11:13. If you’re gossiping about your cousin’s OnlyFans while sipping wine at a women’s Bible study, congratulations: you’ve weaponized both communion and shame.
10. No Women Speaking in Church.
1 Corinthians 14:34-35 tells women to be silent in church. But your Aunt Carol won’t stop interrupting during the sermon to ask if the pastor has “prayed hard enough about Biden.” Huh.
11. No Divorce Except for Infidelity.
Matthew 19:9 is pretty clear. But apparently, “God hates divorce” gets conveniently reinterpreted as “unless it’s Tuesday and you just don’t vibe anymore.”
12. No Lending Money with Interest.
Exodus 22:25, Leviticus 25:36-37. Christians are commanded not to charge interest. So explain Bank of America again? Or Joel Osteen’s mortgage? Or that $12.99/month prayer app?
13. No Graven Images.
Exodus 20:4. So every single Jesus portrait in white suburban churches (painted like a blonde Viking with a CrossFit membership) is actually a sin. But go off.
14. Hospitality to Immigrants.
Leviticus 19:33-34: Treat foreigners as natives and love them as yourself. Which must explain all the evangelical compassion at the border… oh wait.
15. No Cutting Down Fruit Trees in War.
Deuteronomy 20:19 says it’s sinful to destroy fruit trees during wartime. But don’t worry, we’ll keep bombing civilians and bulldozing farmland while claiming it’s “God’s will.”
16. Don’t Swear Oaths.
Matthew 5:34 says not to swear oaths at all. But every politician hand-on-Bible-ing their way through lies and campaign promises? Totally fine, because the flag was present.
17. Sell All You Own and Give to the Poor.
Matthew 19:21 was not a metaphor. Jesus literally told rich people to sell everything. But televangelists still need private jets to spread the Gospel at 40,000 feet.
18. Avoid Riches. Seriously.
Luke 6:24 — “Woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” So someone tell your local prosperity pastor that “God’s favor” doesn’t include beachfront property in Malibu.
19. No Jealousy, Pride, or Gluttony.
You know… the seven deadly sins? You’d think more people would stop after their third Costco cheesecake sample and gossip session about someone else’s “lifestyle.”
So Why Do They Ignore All This?
Because the parts they do follow?
Are conveniently the ones that justify their fear, hatred, power, and control.
You being gay is a sin, but their shrimp cocktail and third marriage are covered under “grace.”
It’s not Christianity. It’s Christianity™:
Now with 75% less Jesus, 100% more judgment, and a built-in persecution complex because someone said “Happy Holidays.”
Final Blessing (in Snark):
If your faith only kicks in to control others, it’s not faith — it’s fascism with a fish bumper sticker.
Now go forth and sin intelligently. Preferably in linen.