Opening Night, Chaos Optional
“Dancing With the Stars” opened its 34th season like only an American reality juggernaut can: too many contestants, too much glitter, and not nearly enough functional technology. Fourteen couples poured onto the ballroom floor, the disco lights blinded half the audience, and the producers announced no eliminations this week—as if America can’t be trusted to part with a Z-list celebrity without a warm-up lap.
Hosts Alfonso Ribeiro and Julianne Hough gamely smiled through the chaos, while judge Carrie Ann Inaba called in sick, leaving Derek Hough and Bruno Tonioli alone at the scoring table. This should have been manageable, except the score tabulator locked in a glitch that left Whitney Leavitt (“Secret Lives of Mormon Wives”) and Mark Ballas tied at 15/20 with Robert Irwin and Witney Carson, whose jive Derek crowned the “best first dance in series history.” In a world of sequins and spray tans, the worst disaster possible is bad math.
The Cast of Characters
Season 34 is a casting director’s fever dream—half nostalgia bait, half viral experiment.
- Whitney Leavitt (TikTok-turned-reality star, “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives”) with Mark Ballas.
- Robert Irwin (wildlife scion, professional crocodile wrangler) with Witney Carson.
- Corey Feldman (’80s child star survivor, still clinging) with Emma Slater.
- Andy Richter (Conan O’Brien’s longtime sidekick, self-aware punchline) with Daniella Karagach.
- Becky G (pop star) with Alan Bersten.
- Noah Beck (influencer who is technically famous for existing) with Jenna Johnson.
- Ally Brooke (ex-Fifth Harmony) with Artem Chigvintsev.
- Jason Mraz (perennial fedora-wearer, singer-songwriter) with Cheryl Burke.
- Quinta Brunson (Emmy darling from “Abbott Elementary”) with Pasha Pashkov.
- Tony Hawk (skateboarding legend, apparently willing to risk bones for ratings) with Koko Iwasaki.
- Lori Loughlin (yes, that Lori, out on PR parole) with Gleb Savchenko.
- Taye Diggs (Broadway credibility) with Britt Stewart.
- Jordyn Woods (influencer-model-Kardashian-adjacent) with Ezra Sosa.
- And, because it’s “DWTS,” someone the producers call “a surprise wild card”—Pauly Shore with Sharna Burgess.
It’s a lineup that reads less like casting and more like a game of Mad Libs: “Give me one disgraced sitcom mom, one skateboarder, one crocodile conservationist, and a side of TikTok.”
Scores That Don’t Score
The night’s score range ran from 9 to 15 out of 20. Corey Feldman barely survived his own body with a stiff foxtrot, Andy Richter lumbered gamely across the floor like a dad at a wedding, and both settled at the bottom of the pack. Meanwhile, Robert Irwin—heir to the late Steve Irwin—exploded with a jive that had Derek Hough declaring it the best first dance in series history. This is America: a 20-year-old Aussie zookeeper saves a Disney corporate reality format while child stars wilt under the lights.
Whitney Leavitt, meanwhile, got the kind of glitch you can’t buy. The scoring system locked her tie with Irwin, effectively elevating her despite a dance that looked like a Utah TikTok cosplay of “Grease.”
Votes Double, Because Democracy
People magazine claimed votes doubled compared to last year’s premiere. Which means either America is desperate for distraction, or ABC/Disney+ finally made live voting frictionless enough that your aunt in Des Moines can click “submit” without logging into six portals.
The stakes here aren’t the glitterball trophy. They’re whether ABC/Disney+ can prove live voting still matters in the streaming era, and whether fan armies can mobilize harder than TikTok stan bases. Democracy may be dying, but you can still vote 10 times for Becky G.
The Math of Viral Crossover
Here’s the logic: Robert Irwin breaks out, Disney gets its “viral wholesome” content, and the show secures crossover math. TikTok influencers bring young voters, reality TV castoffs bring hate-watchers, and legitimate stars like Quinta Brunson lend the illusion of prestige.
Next week’s double elimination ensures bloodsport. If history is any guide, Corey Feldman will last weeks longer than anyone deserves, Andy Richter will self-deprecate his way into the mid-season, and Lori Loughlin will ignite at least three op-eds about “cancel culture forgiveness arcs.”
This isn’t ballroom competition. It’s survival of the most meme-able.
Glitter Meets Streaming Strategy
What’s striking is how Season 34 embodies ABC/Disney+’s corporate strategy. This is no longer just a TV show. It’s a lab experiment in live-vote retention, viral content generation, and pop-culture synergy. Each cast member represents a different demographic slice. Each routine is engineered to generate a GIF, a headline, or a trending hashtag.
The broken scoring system is almost poetic. The producers want to manufacture control. But live television is messy. Sometimes the math betrays you. Sometimes a crocodile-wrangling Aussie becomes the only authentic moment in a sea of branding.
Carrie Ann’s Absence
Carrie Ann Inaba’s absence only amplified the chaos. Without her, the panel lost its one vaguely consistent anchor. Derek Hough turned every critique into a motivational TED Talk, while Bruno Tonioli flung himself around like a caffeinated flamingo. The result? A scoring table that felt less like adjudication and more like improv theater.
Carrie Ann’s illness was real, but the symbolic absence was starker: without her, the show exposed itself as what it is—chaos wrapped in sequins, scored by whim.
The Stakes
No eliminations in Week 1 means the carnage shifts to Week 2 with a double cut. For the contestants, that’s existential dread. For the producers, it’s strategy. The cliffhanger ensures everyone returns to see which nostalgia act dies first.
The corrected scoring matters too. If Robert Irwin isn’t vaulted to the top after Derek Hough calls him historic, the audience revolts. If Whitney Leavitt skates by because of a glitch, the integrity evaporates. Not that integrity has ever really been a DWTS value.
What matters is narrative: Irwin the wholesome breakout, Feldman the tragicomic bottom-dweller, Loughlin the redemption arc, Brunson the prestige crossover. The producers just have to make sure the math doesn’t break the story.
Why It Matters
You could say “it’s just a dance show,” but that misses the point. “Dancing With the Stars” is pop culture’s barometer of what America wants from celebrity. Season 34 says we want chaos, redemption arcs, influencer bait, and at least one disaster we can clip on TikTok.
It also matters because ABC/Disney+ are testing the future of live content. If people still show up to vote—if ratings hold—it means the experiment works. If not, DWTS becomes another nostalgic property in the Disney vault.
Closing Thoughts
Season 34 opened with no eliminations, broken scores, doubled votes, and one standout: Robert Irwin. The producers can’t script authenticity, but they can exploit it. And they will. The rest of the cast is cannon fodder until they decide who makes the best GIF.
This isn’t ballroom. It’s brand warfare.
Summary: Sequins, Scores, and Survival
The premiere of “Dancing With the Stars” Season 34 set the tone: fourteen contestants, no eliminations in Week 1, Carrie Ann Inaba absent, and a glitch that tied Whitney Leavitt with Robert Irwin despite Derek Hough calling Irwin’s jive the best in show history. Scores ranged from 9–15/20, with Corey Feldman and Andy Richter at the bottom, while People reported voting doubled versus last year’s opener. The real stakes lie in Week 2’s double cut, the credibility of corrected scoring, and ABC/Disney+’s push to make the show a viral live-vote experiment. At its core, the season is less about dance and more about narrative engineering—who breaks out, who collapses, and whether authenticity can survive a format designed for chaos.