In today’s episode of “Projecting So Loudly You Can Hear It From Space,” former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly accused former President Barack Obama of treason—you know, that word we all learned in high school civics but never thought would be casually hurled like a dodgeball at the guy who won a Nobel Peace Prize and wore tan suits unironically.
Yes, the same Donald Trump who once asked Russia on live television to find Hillary’s emails has now decided that he, the man whose campaign staff resembled a casting call for “Dateline: Federal Indictment Edition,” is the last line of defense against foreign sabotage.
Let’s all take a moment to pause, breathe, and admire the symmetry of a man-shaped spray tan accusing a constitutional law professor of trying to dismantle the Republic.
Treason, But Make It Spiteful
According to sources (and we use that term loosely), Trump believes that Obama—somehow operating as both deep state overlord and deep fake hologram—“manufactured intelligence” to justify the 2016 Russia probe.
Never mind the Senate report. Never mind the indictments. Never mind the literal admissions on tape. This isn’t about facts. This is about vibes.
And Trump’s vibes say: if anyone looks into my crimes, they’re the criminal.
“He committed treason. It was a coup. He knew everything,” Trump reportedly said, while waving a folder labeled “Top Secret: Sharpie Edition.”
When asked for clarification, no one could provide any. Because there isn’t any. That’s the beauty of saying the word “treason” in 2025—it means whatever the last person shouting it thinks it means. It’s like a national Rorschach test for authoritarian cosplay.
Obama’s Response: TBD, But Probably a Raised Eyebrow and a Book Deal
As of this writing, Barack Obama has not publicly responded to being accused of treason, possibly because he’s busy doing things like kite surfing, raising money for climate change, or mentoring future leaders who know the Constitution isn’t a Cheesecake Factory menu.
Sources close to Obama say he was last seen “remaining unbothered,” which is both on-brand and lethal when deployed correctly. It’s the kind of unbothered that launches 1,000 attack tweets before breakfast.
Treason Watch: A Helpful Guide for the Constitutionally Confused
For the record, “treason” has a very specific legal definition involving war, allegiance, and aiding enemies of the United States. It does not, unfortunately, include:
- Investigating a foreign influence operation
- Having more charisma than your successor
- Living rent-free in someone’s 3 a.m. truth bombs
Also excluded: wearing beige.
But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good scapegoat? Trump’s logic here seems to be: If I yell “traitor!” loud enough, maybe no one will notice I keep asking foreign leaders for favors like I’m speed-dating with dictators.
The Real Question: Who’s Next?
Given Trump’s recent pattern of accusing anyone with a résumé and a passport stamp of treason, it’s only a matter of time before this list includes:
- Michelle Obama (for giving better speeches)
- Anthony Fauci (for knowing what science is)
- Taylor Swift (for endorsing democracy)
- Your grandmother (for owning a postage stamp featuring RBG)
At this point, the only way to avoid being accused of treason is to stand completely still, pledge loyalty to the nearest MAGA hat, and agree that yes, Diet Coke is a national security strategy.
Final Thought: If Everyone’s a Traitor, No One Is
Here’s the thing about calling everyone treasonous: eventually, it loses its sting. Like when a toddler learns a new word and starts calling everything “poopy.” We smile politely, we back away slowly, and we let the grownups finish their sentence.
So go ahead, Mr. Trump. Call Obama a traitor. Shout it into your gold-plated bathroom mirror. Sell it on T-shirts. But deep down, even your base knows: you’re not trying to expose a crime—you’re trying to rewrite your own headline.
And if treason truly meant “looking the other way while a foreign power meddled in a democracy,” well…
Let’s just say the kettle never needed to be this orange.