A Public Service Announcement Brought to You by the Same Folks Who Say They’re ‘Tough on Crime’
They say sunlight is the best disinfectant—
But apparently, the Republican strategy is SPF 1000, blackout curtains, and a steel vault labeled: “Nothing to See Here.”
In a bold act of bipartisan transparency (just kidding—zero bipartisanship, zero transparency), Republican lawmakers formed a conga line of denial this week and voted to keep the Epstein client list locked up tighter than their gun closets during a school visit.
No hesitation.
No flinching.
Just a crisp, unified “Nay” when asked, “Should the public know who flew to Pedophile Island on taxpayer time?”
The answer was clear:
Not unless you’re planning to die confused.
Nothing Screams Innocence Like… Sealing the Evidence
You’d think that if you had nothing to hide, you’d gleefully shout “Release the files!” and drop the mic.
Instead, we got:
Nervous coughing Shuffling papers And one guy pretending to be urgently summoned by an imaginary phone call
Because apparently, exposing a decades-long sex trafficking ring that involved billionaires, world leaders, and “philanthropists” with suspicious flight habits is just not in the national interest.
What is in the national interest, according to these same lawmakers?
Banning books Policing drag shows And launching five investigations into how M&M’s became “too woke”
Priorities, People
The logic appears to be:
Teens reading about queer characters? Dangerous A literal child rape network protected by the rich and powerful? Let’s not rush to judgment.
They say they’re protecting due process.
They say they don’t want a “media circus.”
But to everyone else, it looks a whole lot like protecting their friends, donors, or possibly themselves.
The Client List: Schrödinger’s Scandal
It’s real, but you’re not allowed to see it.
It’s definitive, but it might ruin some very important calendars.
It’s apparently so inflammatory, it could destabilize public trust—
as if trust didn’t already flee the building with a tiny carry-on and a fake passport.
A Final Word from the American People
To the lawmakers who blocked the release:
You looked us in the eye and said, “We don’t believe the public can handle the truth.”
But we’re already handling it.
We’re handling the fact that a predator died mysteriously in federal custody.
We’re handling the fact that survivors were ignored for years.
We’re handling the fact that justice was sold off to the highest bidder.
And now we’re handling the fact that you don’t want us to know who was buying.
Don’t worry.
We may not have the list today.
But history is keeping receipts.