FLAGSTAFF, AZ — Just when you thought the only plague still circulating was the group chat from your old job, northern Arizona has been struck by a blast from the past — and not the cool, vintage kind. Health officials have confirmed that a local resident has died from pneumonic plague, a grim throwback infection that last made headlines in the region in 2007, back when iPods still had click wheels and hope was legal.
For those unfamiliar with the term “pneumonic plague” (or who slept through world history while Europe was being decimated), it’s the airborne version of the bubonic plague — same bacteria, fancier transmission method. Caused by Yersinia pestis, this microscopic overachiever spreads like a Netflix rumor and kills like it’s trying to relive its 14th century glory days.
According to health experts, modern antibiotics can treat it if caught early — a fact that unfortunately hinges on someone seeing the signs, seeking care, and not dismissing their violent cough as “just desert allergies.”
But let’s be honest: If you tell someone in Arizona you’re coughing and short of breath, they’ll either hand you an edible or blame the air quality. Nobody’s first thought is “Oh no, he’s got the Black Death.”
SCIENCE SAYS: STOP MAKING OUT WITH DEAD RODENTS
Officials are urging the public not to panic — which, if history has taught us anything, is a solid way to guarantee that they will. Guidelines include avoiding contact with wild animals, especially rodents, because apparently some of y’all are still out here touching things that twitch in the dirt like you’re starring in Ratatouille: The Desert Edition.
The plague bacteria are usually spread by fleas who’ve been hanging out with infected animals — squirrels, prairie dogs, or whatever ungodly hybrid creature Arizona has birthed this summer. It’s worth noting that Arizona also has tarantula hawks and lizards that run on two legs, so honestly, plague was just waiting its turn.
“This isn’t about fear,” said one health department spokesperson, visibly sweating through their statement. “This is about awareness, education, and not being the idiot who pokes a bloated prairie dog with a stick.”
AMERICA REACTS: ‘WAIT, LIKE… THE PLAGUE?’
The news has sent the internet into its usual tailspin, where everyone is either dismissing it as clickbait, crafting plague-core TikToks in corsets, or panic-Googling symptoms while diagnosing themselves with both plague and lupus.
“Bro, I just coughed and my dog looked at me weird — do I have it?” asked one Arizona teen on Reddit, moments before being advised to drink water and stop watching The Last of Us at 2am.
Others are leaning into the drama. Etsy shops have already launched “I Survived the Plague (Barely)” t-shirts, while one Flagstaff café has rebranded their daily soup as “Yersinia Stew” for ironic effect. Local tourism is hoping to capitalize on the moment with a new slogan:
“Flagstaff: Come for the mountains, stay because you’re quarantined.”
A PLAGUE FOR OUR TIMES
Let’s be clear: this isn’t a pandemic, it’s not a zombie outbreak (yet), and no, you don’t need to start prepping your bunker just because the Middle Ages slid into your DMs.
But maybe — just maybe — we could learn something from this. Like the value of early treatment. Or that perhaps we’ve been a bit too cavalier about the state of our healthcare system when a 700-year-old bacterium is still getting past security. Or maybe that “post-pandemic” was a little premature of a phrase.
What remains clear is this: the plague has returned, Arizona didn’t ask for it, and 2025 continues to act like it’s trying to win an award for “Most Dramatic.”
So, take care. Wash your hands. Don’t cuddle wildlife. And if you start coughing blood, don’t wait until act three to tell someone.
Because apparently, in the Grand Canyon State, even history refuses to stay buried.
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