In what experts are calling “the most dramatic right-wing meltdown since the Great Tucker Tantrum of 2023,” Kash Patel has reportedly threatened to resign unless Attorney General Pam Bondi is fired—and preferably exiled to an undisclosed location without Wi-Fi.
This comes just days after Dan Bongino also threw a constitutional hissy fit over Bondi’s leadership, or as he put it, “her suspicious refusal to prosecute ghosts, windmills, or the deep state’s barista division.”
Sources close to the situation (mostly guys with usernames like @Q4Life1776 and @MAGA_KarateMom) confirm Patel stormed out of a lunch meeting when Bondi refused to admit the Epstein footage was filmed on a Hollywood soundstage run by George Soros’ nephew’s dog groomer.
“She’s not the Attorney General I swore my imaginary oath to,” Patel allegedly told a group of flag-themed throw pillows. “She doesn’t even watch my podcast.”
When reached for comment, Bondi blinked three times and said, “I don’t have time for this. I’m busy defending my decision to call the Epstein tape ‘a system reset’ while also denying the tape exists.”
Meanwhile, former President Trump, currently live-posting from his third golf cart of the day, responded to the chaos with a statement:
“Kash is a great patriot and a true fighter, but I also love Pam, maybe not more than the mirror in my bathroom, but very close. We’re going to fix this, maybe on TruthSocial, maybe on The Apprentice, who knows?”
As the GOP’s leadership continues to collapse into a Real Housewives reunion special with more subpoenas, Americans everywhere are asking: “Wait, who’s actually running the country right now?”
The answer, according to unnamed but very confident online sources, is: a Magic 8 Ball with a Reagan tattoo.
Stay tuned for more updates, assuming Bondi doesn’t accidentally declare martial law with a fax machine.