Being an American means never having to say, “This makes sense.”
It’s waking up every day in a nation so committed to being “exceptional” that we’ve proudly invented our own measurement system, health care roulette, and the concept of a “patriotic brand of bottled water.” Let’s take a moment to appreciate the uniquely unhinged bingo card we call American life—where convenience, capitalism, and confusion come together in a Red, White, and WTF tapestry.
Here’s just a taste of what we, as proud U.S. residents, get to deal with—while the rest of the world side-eyes us like we just brought an emotional support python on a plane.
1. Medical Bankruptcy: A National Sport
Broke your ankle? That’ll be $23,000 and a payment plan that lasts longer than your marriage. In most countries, you get injured and go to a hospital. In America, you get injured and launch a GoFundMe with a Canva-designed header and a sad song.
Other nations get health care.
We get billed $800 for asking a nurse a question.
2. Tipping Culture: The Pyramid Scheme of Gratitude
Want to buy a muffin? Great. Now tip the barista, the cashier, the muffin itself, and the ghost of capitalism past. We’re tipping at self-checkout kiosks now. The machine wants 18% or it’ll remember this.
Europeans: “Service workers get fair wages.”
Americans: “I just paid $4 to emotionally support my waiter.”
3. Prescription Drug Prices That Require a Cosigner
That life-saving insulin? $400 here. $4 in literally any country with a functioning government. Big Pharma says, “Because we can,” and Congress replies, “Would you like tax breaks with that?”
4. School Lockdown Drills: Just Another Tuesday
While children elsewhere learn math and science, American kids are trained to “hide quietly in the supply closet in case of an active shooter.” Nothing says “developed nation” like normalizing battlefield tactics in elementary school.
5. College Debt That Outlives You
In other countries, education is a right. In America, it’s a lifelong financial parasite. You can’t declare bankruptcy on it. You can’t escape it. Not even in death.
In fact, Sallie Mae might attend your funeral—just to garnish your flowers.
6. 911 Wait Times (With Ads!)
Call for help and get put on hold. Or worse—routed to a private contractor who wants to know if you’ve tried unplugging the fire and plugging it back in.
7. Airport Rules That Feel Like a Dare
You can’t bring water through security, but you can buy a $7 bottle just steps away. Shoes off, laptops out, dignity optional. TSA: Keeping us humble since 2001.
8. Billionaire Space Tourism While Cities Crumble
Yes, Jeff Bezos flew to space in a rocket that looked like a midlife crisis while American bridges collapse like they’re trying to retire early. Priorities!
9. Climate Denial With Bonus Hurricanes
The sea is rising, the air is poison, and half the country still thinks “climate change” is a liberal plot funded by Al Gore and granola. We’ll be underwater by 2030, but hey—at least we’ve got freedom-flavored gas stoves.
10. Metric System? Never Heard of Her
Why use a logical, global standard when we can measure things in football fields, bald eagles, and “about yay high”? Fahrenheit is just Celsius wearing a mood ring.
11. Working Until You Die (Or Just Collapse at Target)
PTO is a myth. Parental leave? Try two weeks and a “good luck” text. Most Americans are one minor illness away from choosing between rent and ramen.
12. Housing Costs That Laugh in Your Face
Want to rent a 400-square-foot apartment with a shared toilet and haunted vibes? That’ll be $2,300/month. And don’t forget the $500 pet deposit for your emotional support spider.
13. “Thoughts and Prayers” as National Policy
Gun violence? Police brutality? Climate collapse? Don’t worry—we’ve got a robust supply of empty gestures and flag lapel pins.
14. Food That Can Survive a Nuclear Blast
Other nations have bread. We have “Wonder.” Their cheese is made from milk. Ours is made from yellow.
15. Elected Officials Who Don’t Believe in Government
We keep hiring people to run the government who think government shouldn’t exist. That’s like asking a vegan to manage your barbecue restaurant.
16. Airlines That Treat You Like Livestock
You paid $600 for a seat and the right to breathe recycled cough air while a toddler kicks you from behind. Want to check a bag? That’ll be another $60. Want legroom? Sell a kidney.
17. Everything is Political—Including Soap
In America, buying a brand of deodorant is a political statement. You think I’m joking, but someone is currently boycotting Cheerios.
18. The DMV
Enough said.
19. Laws Based on Vibes
We banned books, not assault rifles. We regulate drag shows harder than we regulate factories that pour sludge into rivers. America: where logic goes to die.
20. The Flag is Sacred (Until It’s Printed on Swimwear)
Burning a flag? Treason. Wearing it as shorts at a barbecue while shotgunning a beer? Patriotism.
So yes, we pledge allegiance to a country where the absurd is normalized, the ridiculous is routine, and the most dangerous place to live is wherever irony goes to retire.
But we’ve got Beyoncé. We’ve got Costco samples. We’ve got a dream.
And if that dream comes with a deductible, a tip request, and a ten-minute political ad before your ambulance arrives—well, that’s just the American way.