SCOTUS greenlights Trump’s plan to trim the government like it’s a reality show cast
In a decision that stunned labor experts and delighted men who scream “drain the swamp” into their Bluetooth headsets, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 8–1 to overturn a previous injunction blocking Donald Trump’s mass federal layoffs plan—clearing the runway for the former president’s long-awaited dream of turning D.C. into The Apprentice: Civil Service Edition.
The lone dissenter? Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, who read her opinion while clutching a mug that said “I Told Y’all.”
The Plan: Less Government, More Golf Courses?
Trump’s proposal includes sweeping reductions across multiple federal departments, including:
- HUD (because who really needs affordable housing anyway?)
- State (replaced by a Truth Social account marked “diplomat”)
- Treasury (rumored to be outsourced to one of Trump’s casinos)
- Veterans Affairs (now referred to as “Optional Hero Services”)
The White House insists this is not about “punishing the Deep State” but rather “liberating freedom from the shackles of bureaucracy,” which is MAGA-speak for “I didn’t know what the EPA did, so I fired them.”
Majority Opinion: Shrink It ‘Til It Screams
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts stated:
“The Constitution does not guarantee employment at the Department of Education. Or the Department of Energy. Or any department really. In fact, it’s unclear why we even have departments. This is America.”
Sources say Justice Gorsuch fist-bumped Clarence Thomas and whispered, “Long live small government,” as an original copy of the Constitution wept quietly in the Library of Congress.
Trump Responds from Golf Cart
In a celebratory post from his custom red, white, and very gold golf cart, Trump declared:
“Greatest ruling in the history of rulings. SCOTUS says we can finally fire the freeloaders and losers. I LOVE the Constitution now. Always have. Day one, you’re all FIRED, respectfully.”
He then offered cabinet positions to several caddies and a Mar-a-Lago bartender named Ricky, who “makes a hell of a freedom mojito.”
The Dissenting Voice of Reason
Justice Jackson, in her dissent, wrote:
“This decision erodes the stability of our government, jeopardizes public services, and openly invites retaliatory purges based on politics rather than performance.”
Conservatives replied with a thoughtful counter-argument:
“She’s just mad she can’t be in the new Space Force TikTok Unit.”
What Happens Now?
Federal employees are being advised to:
- “Prepare résumés”
- “Learn what LinkedIn is”
- “Pray their department has a MAGA flag in the breakroom”
The Department of Labor, ironically, may be too short-staffed to even process the flood of layoff paperwork.
Final Thoughts
With this ruling, the Supreme Court has paved the way for the next stage of Trump’s agenda: a leaner, meaner, less functional government that runs on loyalty oaths and YouTube conspiracy links.
America, you asked for smaller government.
Turns out, you’re getting no government.
See you at DMV: now open every fifth Tuesday, by appointment, in Florida only.