In a stunning act of government transparency—so transparent it’s basically invisible—the U.S. Department of Justice announced Monday that Jeffrey Epstein did, in fact, die by suicide and that, in an absolutely unrelated coincidence, no client list exists. At all. None. Zip. Vanished. Poof.
The DOJ further confirmed they have “no plans to release additional documents,” because what’s more satisfying than a high-profile sex trafficking case with zero consequences for anyone still breathing?
That’s It. That’s the End.
With the case now “closed,” officials can finally stop pretending to investigate billionaires who owned private islands with security cameras that conveniently stopped working the same day their most high-risk prisoner “killed himself” in federal custody.
Sleep well, democracy.
Just a Dead Guy. No Network. No Names. Move Along.
In a press briefing that could’ve been copy-pasted from a Reddit conspiracy thread labeled “THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED,” DOJ officials calmly declared:
“There is no list. No pending charges. No further need for transparency. Justice has been served. Now please go watch Bridgerton.”
Sources confirm the statement was delivered by a spokesperson blinking in Morse code for “help me.”
Alternate Titles Considered for This Announcement:
“Epstein: The Solo Creep” “Nothing to See Here, Especially Not the Names of Powerful Men” “America Has Left the Chat” “Operation: Let’s Pretend We Looked”
In Case You’re Wondering “Why?”
Good question. Here are some possible explanations:
Epstein accidentally deleted the list after updating Adobe Flash Player. The client list was stored inside a single sock behind a painting in the Vatican. Every name on it had diplomatic immunity, corporate immunity, or rich-guy immunity. It was mailed to a P.O. box in Atlantis. OR—and hear us out—the DOJ doesn’t want to indict half the people who decide elections, run media conglomerates, fund campaigns, or own half of Manhattan.
Final Thoughts
So there you have it. The man with the secrets, the island, the plane, the global web of elite connections… apparently had no clients. Just vibes and felony-level networking skills.
The government says we should move on.
After all, there’s no list. There was never a list.
And if there was… well, let’s just say it also “died in custody.”
God bless America’s justice system: where the rich walk free, the tapes disappear, and the truth is redacted in bold.