Central Texas is underwater—again—and this time, it’s not just a metaphor for the state’s political stability.
Over the weekend, massive flash floods swept through the heart of Texas, killing 24 people and leaving at least 20 more missing, most of them campers who thought “off-grid” meant bad Wi-Fi, not an accidental baptism by climate denial.
Rescue crews are still searching, families are still waiting, and Texas leaders are still holding press conferences that feel like fever dreams written by fossil fuel lobbyists.
The Sky Is Falling (But Politicians Are Too Busy Looking Down)
Let’s be clear: this isn’t just weather. This is policy with a body count.
Central Texas has been battered by storms before, but this time it’s personal. Creeks turned into rivers, rivers turned into walls, and entire counties looked like baptism scenes gone rogue. But instead of action, all we got was the usual script:
- “Thoughts and prayers.”
- “We weren’t prepared for this level of rainfall.”
- “Climate change? That’s a coastal problem.”
No, Greg. Climate change isn’t a brunch trend or a liberal hallucination. It’s the thing currently power-washing your constituents off hiking trails.
“Campers Missing” Is the Most American Sentence of 2025
Let’s talk about the 20+ campers still missing. Because if that phrase doesn’t scream late-stage American horror, I don’t know what does.
These were families, kids, weekenders—people who just wanted some time in nature before it killed them. Because we keep selling the great outdoors like it’s still majestic and manageable, while quietly dismantling every environmental regulation that made it somewhat survivable.
We want the beauty of Texas without the consequences of ignoring its increasingly volatile ecosystem. Spoiler: you can’t put a filter on floodwater.
Abbott’s Flood Plan: Just Wait It Out and Vote Red
Governor Abbott issued a somber statement from a dry stage somewhere probably air-conditioned:
“We are doing everything in our power to help the affected regions.”
Translation: We sent a truck of Bibles, defunded the EPA, and asked Elon Musk to retweet something.
This is the same administration that banned diversity programs, attacked trans healthcare, and proudly gutted climate initiatives. But yes, please tell us more about how the water crisis has nothing to do with systemic deregulation and infrastructure neglect.
Texas could be underwater and they’d still be arguing that the real problem is drag brunch.
Natural Disaster, But Make It Partisan
Want to hear something dystopian? In Texas, we now politicize weather.
- If you say “climate change,” you’re an alarmist.
- If you say “God’s will,” you get a campaign donation.
- If you ask for federal help, you’re a hypocrite.
- If you offer data, you’re a socialist.
- If you die in the flood? Well… you should’ve voted better.
At this point, the weather isn’t red or blue. It’s blood brown and rising fast.
Final Thoughts: Bring a Raft, Not a Flag
This flood isn’t an anomaly—it’s a headline in a loop. A tragedy that will repeat itself until we stop treating climate change like a conspiracy and start treating it like the active, ongoing mass-casualty event that it is.
But in true Texas fashion, we’ll patch up the damage, hold a fundraiser, deny accountability, and then go right back to burning the planet like it’s not keeping score.
So yes—light your candles. Say your prayers.
Just make sure they float.
Because the water’s coming faster than the lies can drain.