Well folks, we’ve done it. We now have two, count ’em, two tropical storms churning on either side of Mexico. Say hello to Barry and Flossie—which, incidentally, also sound like the names of your retired Florida grandparents who just discovered Facebook and now share nothing but minion memes and vague threats about “what’s coming for this country.”
Yes, Tropical Storm Barry is forming on one side, likely armed with a Bluetooth headset, cargo shorts, and an unwavering belief that he could “fix the economy” if anyone would just listen to his podcast. Meanwhile, Tropical Storm Flossie has entered the chat on the opposite coast, clutching a leopard print handbag and ready to slap the Gulf with a wet beach towel and a martini glass full of regret.
Meteorologists are, of course, thrilled. Not because they’re particularly excited about the weather, but because it gives them two entire graphics to stand in front of while saying things like “moisture plume” and “eye wall” in tones that suggest it’s all very erotic and very dire.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to pretend that having dual natural disasters with human names isn’t the most on-brand 2025 move imaginable. At this point, the weather isn’t even weathering—it’s cosplaying a midlife crisis.
And just to clarify: these are the names we chose. Barry. Flossie. We went through hundreds of names and still landed on the uncle who won’t stop talking about Reaganomics and the aunt who smells like mothballs and white zin. What’s next? Hurricane Gary? Tropical Depression Linda?
The National Hurricane Center assures us this is all “normal.” Which is exactly what they said last year. And the year before. And in every disaster movie ever made, right before someone gets swept away by a weather system that can somehow target only major cities.
So buckle up. Two storms. Two coastlines. One country with the infrastructure of a Jenga tower and the leadership of a Magic 8-Ball filled with Diet Coke.
Stay tuned for updates—assuming Barry doesn’t knock out the Wi-Fi and Flossie doesn’t demand to speak to the manager of the Pacific.