Let me tell you about The Big Beautiful Bill—the piece of legislation that sounds like a gay brunch revue in Miami but is actually Congress’s latest attempt to duct tape a failing system with something halfway resembling a policy. You’ve probably heard it touted by your uncle who still uses “woke” as a slur or your cousin on Facebook who believes God sends hurricanes to punish blue states. They speak of it like it’s the legislative equivalent of a six-pack and a Hail Mary.
Spoiler alert: it’s not.
So What Is the Big Beautiful Bill?
On paper, it’s a 1,237-page omnibus designed to “restore faith in American values,” but once you squint through the performative patriotism and random Bible verses, it becomes clear that this bill is mostly just a fever dream written in Sharpie on the back of a Waffle House receipt. It claims to address inflation, immigration, education, moral decay, TikTok, oat milk, gender fluidity, and traffic congestion—so basically, everything your grandfather screams at the TV about between Fox News commercials.
The bill has four main pillars:
- The Patriot Price Freeze – A plan to stop inflation by simply declaring that prices can’t go up if you salute the flag before purchases. Seriously. The bill proposes mandatory “price respect ceremonies” at all Walmarts and Chick-fil-A locations.
- The American Values Curriculum – A rewrite of the public school curriculum to include more about Ronald Reagan, less about slavery, and absolutely nothing about the word “queer” unless it’s in the context of a 1930s crossword puzzle.
- The Southern Hospitality Wall Extension Act – An addendum to build a second border wall between Texas and California because, and I quote, “liberals are migrating eastward.”
- The Morality Clause – A section that prohibits drag queens, vegan cheeses, and anyone named Jamal from running for office unless they pass a “Founding Father Vibes Check.”
But… Why Is It Called That?
Excellent question. Because nothing says legislative strength like The Big Beautiful Bill, right? It sounds like something passed during a thunderstorm by a man in a red tie screaming “tremendous!” into a mirror. According to its authors—mostly men named Randy or Chuck who think their college football career was “the best years of their life”—the name was chosen to “evoke pride and nostalgia,” like a Norman Rockwell painting painted with expired barbecue sauce.
Also, and this is key: it is not named after Bill Clinton. In fact, Section 31 explicitly states: “This bill is not associated with or inspired by any man who has played saxophone while receiving oral favors.” So please stop spreading that rumor—Hillary already has enough trauma.
Why It’s Not Big
Despite the pompous name, the bill actually slashes funding for most things that would make it “big.” Medicare? Cut. SNAP benefits? Cut. Education? Replaced with something called “Humble American Roots Studies,” which is mostly a coloring book of Ronald Reagan riding a bald eagle.
It also has fewer pages than your average TikTok user agreement, and most of it is just recycled language from other failed bills like the “Moral Restoration Act,” “Don’t Say Lunch,” and “Christian Capitalism Now, Forever, Amen.”
Why It’s Not Beautiful
Beauty is subjective, but even subjectivity has standards. This bill is the legislative equivalent of a Motel 6 carpet after spring break. It is riddled with contradictions, typos, and at least three uses of the word “y’all” in official policy.
It tries to define gender using the Book of Leviticus and proposes an “anti-woke tax,” which—near as I can tell—charges you $6.99 every time you correct someone’s pronouns or read The New Yorker. It’s like they tried to write a law but kept getting distracted by a Duck Dynasty marathon.
So Who Did Write It?
A bipartisan panel of white men who yell during prayer, joined by two women who look like they own six Labradoodles and voted against their own reproductive rights. There’s also a mysterious figure known only as “Big Randy,” who once shouted, “This’ll fix the libs!” while holding a beer can and stapling his resume to a squirrel.
The Real Purpose of the Big Beautiful Bill
Like all great American legislation, The Big Beautiful Bill exists mostly to:
- Distract us from real problems.
- Punish people who have fun in cities.
- Rebrand repression as “freedom.”
- Funnel tax dollars into vaguely defined “Patriot Heritage Zones,” which are basically Cracker Barrels with guns.
It’s political theater meets evangelical Mad Libs.
In Conclusion:
The Big Beautiful Bill is neither big nor beautiful. It’s a Frankenstein’s monster made of cultural panic, legislative incompetence, and whatever Tucker Carlson had scribbled on a napkin before getting fired.
But don’t worry—it probably won’t pass. Unless, of course, someone attaches a rider about banning Drag Queen Story Time and giving everyone a free gas stove. In that case? God bless America, and good luck to the rest of us.