We Have 17 Streaming Subscriptions and Zero Emergency Contacts
Remember when people used to have best friends? Like, actual humans they saw in person, not just blurry profile pics you “like” once a month out of guilt? Well, welcome to the Friendship Recession—the only economic downturn that won’t get a bailout because it doesn’t impact shareholder value.
Yes, friendship is dying. Slowly. Quietly. And somehow, no one’s talking about it unless they’re selling a podcast or a weighted blanket. While we obsess over GDP and inflation, we’ve completely ignored the plummeting stock price of basic human connection.
The only thing more unstable than the housing market is your social life.
How Did We Get Here?
Let’s connect the dots:
- Working 60+ hours a week to afford rent on a closet with a sink? Check.
- “Maintaining friendships” via Instagram Story replies? Check.
- Entire adult conversations consisting of “We should catch up soon!” and then ghosting? Double check.
- Therapists being the only person you’ve made eye contact with this month? Well… that’s between you and BetterHelp.
COVID may have kicked things off, but capitalism was already warming up in the parking lot. Once we started monetizing everything—from hobbies to grief to eye contact—friendship got filed under “non-essential.”
Modern Friendship Is Just Vague Affection + Scheduling Conflicts
Try to make plans these days and you’ll hear the same responses every time:
- “I’m swamped at work.”
- “Let’s wait until after my Q3 deliverables.”
- “Can we do a quick call instead? Like, while I’m on the elliptical?”
We’ve replaced Sunday brunches with calendar invites that never materialize. Adult friendships now live exclusively in group chats where nothing happens except memes, birthday messages, and the occasional vague cry for help disguised as a joke.
One study showed that Americans now have fewer close friends than ever before. Another study showed that Americans would rather publicly disclose their salary than their feelings. A third study wasn’t conducted because the researcher couldn’t find a second person to talk to.
Side Effects of Friendship Deficiency May Include:
- Thinking a barista asking how your day is going is a marriage proposal
- Crying during commercials with dogs in them
- Oversharing with Uber drivers like they’re your childhood best friend
- Calling your ex “just to catch up” (don’t)
We are chronically touch-starved, emotionally malnourished, and overdosing on faux-connection. But hey, at least you got 42 likes on that sad-looking poke bowl.
Who Profits From Your Loneliness?
Glad you asked. Everyone.
- Tech companies: “Here, have a feature called ‘Close Friends’ that only reminds you how many you don’t have.”
- Dating apps: “We’re not just for hookups anymore. We’re also for confusing one-sided emotional entanglements!”
- Therapy apps: “Can’t talk to friends? Pay us $69.99/month to text someone named Lauren who uses the word ‘boundaries’ a lot.”
- Employers: “Don’t worry, the company picnic counts as socializing.”
If it feels like the world is conspiring to isolate you until you can’t tell the difference between intimacy and being CC’d on a team email, it’s because it is.
Real Talk: This Is a Health Crisis, Not Just a Vibe Shift
Lack of close friendships isn’t just sad—it’s physically dangerous. Loneliness is now considered as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Which is ironic, because at least people used to make friends outside the smoking section.
Now? You’re more likely to bond with your DoorDash driver than your neighbor. And your most intimate relationship is with a ring camera.
The Surgeon General even released a warning about the “epidemic of loneliness,” which everyone promptly ignored while doomscrolling their way into another depression spiral.
Solutions? Please. That Requires Effort.
Here’s what you can do, in theory:
- Text someone first. No, not just “hey.” Try “hey, want to get coffee?”
- Prioritize real time over screen time.
- Show up. Not in a “react to their story” way. In a “physically be there” way.
- Make friendship less about perfection and more about presence.
But let’s be honest: we’ll probably just share this blog post in silence and go back to watching old sitcoms for emotional warmth.
Because honestly? Chandler Bing knew you better than your current coworkers do.