If One of Earth’s Top Villains Can Get Remarried, Maybe You Just Need a Yacht
In today’s installment of Late Capitalism: The Rom-Com, Amazon founder and trillionaire skin avatar Jeff Bezos has officially remarried, proving once and for all that love is not dead—it’s just income-based.
Yes, Jeff “I Make Warehouse Workers Pee in Bottles” Bezos has found someone willing to say “I do” to a man whose net worth could end world hunger but instead goes toward space cosplay and biceps that look like they were 3D-printed by Elon Musk during a midlife crisis.
His new wife, Lauren Sánchez—TV personality, helicopter pilot, and full-time gravity-defier—looked radiant in the wedding photos, though that may have just been the blinding reflection from the diamond-encrusted prenup.
Who Says You Can’t Buy Love? (Not Jeff.)
Bezos, currently worth somewhere between the GDP of Sweden and the concept of joy, proves that no matter how morally corrosive your wealth accumulation is, someone will still kiss you on the mouth if you own enough real estate and are moderately bald.
It’s heartwarming, really. A modern fairy tale.
- Once upon a time, a man built an empire off underpaid labor and tax evasion…
- …and lived happily ever after with a woman who probably uses Prime Now to order emotional support diamonds.
Cue the drones dropping rose petals. Or at least NDAs.
Meanwhile, You’re Still on Hinge
Watching Jeff Bezos get married again is like seeing Voldemort renew his vows at Disney World. It’s disorienting. Offensive. And somehow still trending.
If someone that:
- treats unions like terrorist cells,
- almost decapitated Leonardo DiCaprio with a look of jealousy,
- and sends rockets into space shaped like regret dildos
…can find love again?
Then maybe—just maybe—it’s not your trauma.
It’s not your bad haircut.
It’s your credit score.
Rich Men: Red Flags But With Private Islands
Let’s break it down.
Jeff Bezos has:
- A net worth so high it requires its own oxygen mask.
- A legacy of environmental devastation.
- The emotional availability of a Bluetooth speaker.
And yet—he gets a second chance at love.
Meanwhile, you texted “hey” at 8:01 p.m. and got ghosted so hard you can now see your own self-worth in negative numbers.
But Bezos? That man sells surveillance equipment as a lifestyle and still gets wedding cake.
The Wedding: Probably Sponsored by a Tax Loophole
No word yet on how the wedding went down, but one can assume:
- The ceremony was held somewhere inaccessible to the middle class—possibly the stratosphere.
- Alexa officiated. She also filed the marriage license, recorded the vows, and reported Sánchez’s facial microexpressions to Homeland Security.
- Guests received party favors in the form of Prime coupons and moral nausea.
It’s unclear what their first dance song was, but insiders suggest it was either “Money, That’s What I Want” or “Toxic” (feat. market consolidation).
The Takeaway: You’re Not Unlovable, You’re Just Not a Billionaire
This wedding is a reminder that late-stage capitalism has fully absorbed love into its brand portfolio. Romance is no longer about chemistry. Or compatibility. Or shared values.
It’s about asset alignment and media optics.
Jeff Bezos is a case study in emotional rebranding:
From villain to fiancé to “aww, he’s human after all.”
All it takes is a new partner, a tailored tux, and enough wealth to make moral objections disappear faster than Amazon’s labor complaints.
So if you’re out here wondering why no one swipes right on you?
Just remember:
- Jeff Bezos found love again.
- The Earth is on fire.
- And somewhere, a delivery driver is crying in their van.
Love wins.
Just not for you.
Unless you’re rich.